Former Special Forces soldier turned notorious criminal
Long-haul truck driver
We’ve been hearing recent rumblings again of another attempt to remake John Carpenter’s action/sci-fi classic ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK, even though most of us would agree that nobody could possibly replace Kurt Russell in the role of Snake Plissken. It would be like trying to remake Carpenter’s own BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA with someone else besides Russell as Jack Burton — these are just iconic characters defined by the actor. Hey, that gives me an idea…
(Please note: Face Off is an opinion column. We’re not using any actual science to prove or disprove anything. It’s just for fun.)
-A big bald wrestler brute
-Dozens of grungy, violent prisoners
-The Crazies, sewer dwellers who eat human flesh
-Microscopic explosive neck implants that will rupture his carotid arteries in 24 hours
-The “Three Storms”, a trio of powerful elemental henchmen
-The Lords of Death, a Chinese street gang
-Various demons, monsters and floating eyeball heads
-his busty “squeeze” Maggie
-Egg Shen, a cranky old wizard with a six-demon bag
-Uses machinegun to make his own exits
-Knocks himself unconscious shooting into the air
-Takes out Lo Pan with a knife throw to the noggin
-“Call me Snake.”
-Hauk: “Remember, once you’re inside you’re on your own.”
Snake: “Oh, you mean I can’t count on you?”
Hauk: “No.”
Snake: “Good!”
-Brain: “I swear to God, Snake, I thought you were dead.”
Snake: “Yeah. You and everybody else. “
-Hauk: “You going to kill me, Snake?”
Snake: “Not now, I’m too tired. Maybe later.”
-“I’m a reasonable guy, but I’ve just experienced some very unreasonable things.”
-“Everybody relax, I’m here.”
-“Okay. You people sit tight, hold the fort and keep the home fires burning. And if we’re not back by dawn… call the President.”
-“What does that mean, huh? ‘China is here?’ I don’t even know what the hell that means.”
-“I was born ready.”
-“I’m supposed to buy this shit? Two thousand years and he can’t find one broad to fit the bill? Come on, Dave, you must be doing something seriously wrong!”
-“Sooner or later I rub everybody the wrong way.”
-“We really shook the pillars of heaven, didn’t we, Wang?”
-“You just listen to the old Pork Chop Express here now and take his advice on a dark and stormy night when the lightning’s crashin’ and the thunder’s rollin’ and the rain’s coming down in sheets thick as lead. Just remember what old Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big old storm right square in the eye and he says, ‘Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it.'”