We were all happy to say
“Cheers” to Mr. Tom Atkins in our last
Face-Off and celebrate two of his greatest, hard-drinkin characters from Halloween III and Night of the Creeps. Sure, one of them got the victory, but all that matters is that Atkins himself is always the real winner!
Thrill me!
Today’s Face-Off is partially inspired by the current hit horror film It Follows which was powerful enough to actually expand its theatrical release this past weekend. I haven’t seen the flick yet (though I’m dying to), but I believe it involves something dastardly and dark resulting from intercourse and features a strong female lead. That description caused me to come up with two other horror films that somewhat share in that theme. So pack on as much protection as you can and prepare for Hard Candy to take on Teeth!
I can’t tell you how many times I had to cringe while watching this movie. The sounds effects, what Ellen Page says during her actions, holy shit! As a man, it will make your f*cking skin crawl. You think the idea of an older man luring a young girl back to his home for sex is disturbing, try sitting through a drawn out castration!
This film should be presented in middle school health classes so as to discourage any dumb punk boys from having sex too early. Yes, Teeth too knows how to make you cringe and cross your legs. The thought of entering a place that is normally so pleasurable and then having said place turn around and literally bite you in the… well… let’s just say it ain’t good.
Patrick Wilson’s “Jeff” is a confused, conniving, pathetic jerk. He’s hit a new level of loneliness and is lashing out in a pretty unhealthy manner. It takes quite the low, piece of shit type of scum to go hunting after underage girls in order to take advantage of their innocence. Although, there is a tragic touch to Jeff’s story, that doesn’t really excuse his intentions.
I absolutely loathe assholes that force themselves on a woman sexually and Teeth has a bunch of ’em. One is this confused religious kid who ain’t as innocent as he thinks. The other is a lame perv looking to snatch her “flower” and win a bet. Lastly, and most odious, is Dawn’s punk-ass step brother who totally forces himself on her. They all, thankfully, get a horrific comeuppance.
Watching Ellen Page in serious mode, you could just tell she was bound to be headed for Oscar nominations. She is able to pull off sweet, smart and innocent so well and then swiftly turns to cunning evil on a dime! She clearly has Jeff hook line and sinker after the briefest of interactions. Once she has him in her clutches, everything about her performance screams powerful.
Jessie Weixler gives a standout, star-making performance as Dawn. She is absolutely fearless in the role, creating a deft balance of both vulnerability and empowerment. You can’t help caring about her and her unusual situation. Watching her transformation as she becomes more and more aware about her body is a marvel to behold.
Once Page’s “Hayley” has Jeff in her clutches, her non-stop ribbing on his behalf offers plenty to laugh at. He is demeaned and embarrassed to no end and she just revels in it. By the time she’s got him on the table with his balls on ice, there is thankfully still plenty of hurtful humor to try and counterbalance the thought of what is about to happen next.
The whole “purity ring” angle is ripe for laughs and Teeth nicely tears through the subject. And yes, the whole idea of a vagina with sharp teeth that can bite off a member is albeit gross, but still undeniably funny. The best bit occurs at the gynecologist’s office where an exam goes all to Hell once Dawn’s “inner beast” is provoked.
After performing the castration on a bound Jeff, Hayley goes off to get cleaned up. While she is gone, Jeff is able to get free and realizes that the castration was an elaborate trick. Enraged, he goes after Hayley but is once again taken by surprise and rendered incapacitated by a stun gun. Then, Jeff finally confesses to being involved in the assault and death of an underage girl. Hayley takes full advantage of his despondent state and convinces him to kill himself.
Everything has gone to Hell for poor Dawn. She is a murderer, the authorities are closing in, her mother passes away, and there seems to be no cure for her horrific vagina dentata. Then she learns that her punk ass step brother did not assist her mother when she was crying for help. The sick jerk also has a mean crush on her, so Dawn uses her prowess to seduce him. Guess what happens next? Justice is served and Dawn fully embraces her role as a sexual punisher for all asshole guys!
And there you have it! Teeth took a winning bite out of Hard Candy! I do feel that it is the more rewatchable horror flick, but both are so very well made and acted, you can’t go wrong checking out either one. Now, I need to know which of these sick little bad girls have a special place in your heart. Be sure you’re wearing a cup, and blast them bullets below! And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at
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