The folks who commented on our last
Face-Off seemed to mostly agree that Blade deserved to slice Ghost Rider and take the title of best, baddest “unlikely monstrous” hunter of monsters! And that will momentarily close our section of “Face-Offs relating to current horror flicks” because, basically, we don’t have any horror movies coming up in the near future on the big screen.
Today’s Face-Off concerns a franchise and a slasher very near and dear to my heart. Even though Halloween is still about three and a half months away, I’m certain that any reputable horror fan would not mind a little write-up involving Michael Myers! Especially one with a theme involving the two worst HALLOWEEN sequels! That’s right, my friends, we’re looking to find the best of the worst and I’m sure you all agree that the two worst sequels involving Michael are parts 5 and 8. I find it ironic how both flicks came after a sequel meant to breathe new life into the series. Well, let’s see who’s still breathing after this battle!
After The Shape was brought back fairly competently after 10 years by George P. Wilbur in part 4, he was clunkily restored a year later as some sort of pudgy version by Don Shanks for part 5. I just don’t get it. No more lean and mean Myers. Instead, we get this stammering hulk who didn’t even seem to fit in the classic white mask. To add insult to injury, this Michael even friggin’ cries a tear upon removing his mask towards the end. An overly bulky, pansied Myers… yeah, that’s just what the fans ordered.
Thankfully, the svelte shape and mean disposition from H20 (part 7), seemed to be carried over for part 8 where The Shape was played by Brad Loree. Sure, he got his butt lamely kicked by the pathetic Busta Rhymes, but at least he was able to finally close-out the death deal on his little sis (the stupidest move in the franchise’s history, yes, even dumber than Halloween 3). He also didn’t take any shit from all the other kids taking up residence in his house. F*ckin’ karate Busta was some bullshit, though!
Even as a very young girl, Danielle Harris showed some pretty impressive acting chops. Even in part 5 where she was for some stupid reason made mute for the first third of the flick, she was able to convey some genuinely frightened emotions. At least she still had a blood connection with Uncle Michael, giving a tangible enough reason for her to be stalked.
No, it’s not Jamie Lee Curtis here. After she was all too quickly disposed of, Bianca Kajlich stepped in as our new heroine. She’s definitely a pretty face and competent screamer (though the screams had to be dubbed because Bianca can’t scream in real life… whatever), but she has NO relation to Michael whatsoever other than the fact that she’s inside his house. Plus, she needs to get help from this geek she met on the Internet in order to survive.
What a pathetic excuse for R-rated horror deaths! Right when skin is about to be stabbed, we get a lovely, lame cutaway to either a splash of blood or the next scene! The only kill worthy of mention would be an annoying asshole getting a pitchfork shoved through his back. Besides that, there’s nothing memorable whatsoever!
At least with Resurrection, some good-time gore was brought back to life. Though, many of the kills were lame (see a single swipe, obviously CGI beheading for example), we do get some red as it is being drawn. Laurie’s death, even though I didn’t think it should have happened, had a particularly poetic touch to it. A double-knife impaling onto a door worked pretty well too.
How do you f*ck up John Carpenter’s legendary theme?! Why would you even want to attempt to alter it?! In part 5, we get a weak impression of the creepy chords that are supposed to accompany Michael. It absolutely reeks of cheap, direct-to-video synthesizer crap. Plus, there’s this completely unnecessary drum back beat that makes Michael seem more like a dorky pop star than anything scary.
At least this music tried to stick close to the original’s theme, letting the piano do most of the main tones. Still, I just don’t get why the composer feels the need to add any extra background melodies because there is definitely no way anyone could improve on what Carpenter created.
“Ba-Ba Da-Daaaaa!” Is there any doubt who is the most annoying supporting character in part 5? The infamous “Tina”! From the very second she first arrives on screen singing those horrific lyrics above and begins fawning all over Danielle Harris in an utmost display of overacting, you knew that you were going to hate this person. And the bitch didn’t let up for the rest of the movie. From her goofy expressions to her forced (un)sexiness, she can do nothing right. And the biggest insult? She actually tries to play hero and even lives through Michaels inital stab.
“Trick or treat… mutha-fucka!” This has to be the worst line of the entire Halloween series. Thanks, Busta Rhymes aka “Freddie”! Actually, no thanks! Obviously, the studio suits thought, “Hey we had LL Cool J in the last Halloween flick and it was a hit, so we gotta find another rapper for this one and make him even larger!” I guess that meant coming up with a kung-fu-loving, reality-show-creating sleazebag moron. To add insult to injury, the dude f*cking beats Michael Myers up while performing a cheap impression of the Karate Kid, complete with “Hi-ya” sound effects. Ugh!
Mr. Sandman has sung! And the winner that is bestowed the honor of better worst Halloween sequel is HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION! Since both of these flicks were so awful, we had ourselves one close race. I really would like to hear what ya’ll think. Did the better piece of shit really come out on top of the toilet bowl water? Do you feel differently? Do you think there is
another Halloween sequel that deserved to be in this race? Please, spit your damn bullets below! And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at
[email protected].