Well, holy hand grenade! I sure was blown away by the number of readers that disagreed with our last
Face-Off! Everyone thought that The Descent should have bested Pitch Black and you know what? I totally agree with ya! The Descent is one of my faves, yet if you look at the categorical comparison, it still makes sense how Pitch scored the upset. Regardless, it was fun reading all the comments so keep that shit up!
Now, with the spirit of this past Friday the 13th still in our hearts, I present to you our latest Face-Off which is all about the most famous hockey-mask-wearing dude we know! And every Friday the 13th… is his birthday. So everyone, please shine up your machetes and engage in some coed skinny-dipping as we put two of Jason’s later entries on the chopping block! Prepare for FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI Vs. FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VII!
Part VI Jason gets supercharged in this one, quite literally. As he’s brought back to life by 1.21 gigawatts, he emerges from his grave pissed and ready to f*ck shit up. Played by C.J. Graham, he looks buff yet svelte, like a cornerback, and wastes little time showcasing that death has not slowed him down a bit by offing Kotter’s Horshack with a punch through the chest. His trek towards Crystal Lake from there is a literal death march, taking out anyone that crosses his path with the sickest of ease. He’s such a bad ass killing machine, that I think this is the first time the audience can’t help rooting wholeheartedly for Jason!
Part VII’s Jason is now basically a full-on undead monster, brandishing skeletal bones at his back and a hardcore mean streak. He’s even more buff in this one as Kane Hodder took over the duties behind the mask. However, now Jason seems to merely come off as dull hulk, offering little to no flair in the killing department. Even worse, he looks quite comical when his face is revealed, resembling a rejected creature from one of Sam Raimi’s Evil Deads. Plus, he basically is no match for the tiny, telepathic girl battling him.
The horror great, Thom Matthews, does a fine job bringing us a full-on adult version of Tommy Jarvis. I don’t know if the whacky way he talks, sorta with a slight speech impediment, was on purpose or not, but it works perfectly with his crazy character. His intense desire to make certain Jason is sent to hell really drives the flick. And the way he taunts his hockey-masked foe in order to get him out in the lake at the end is just epic: “Come on, Jason! Come on, you pussy!”
Lar Park-Lincoln’s “Tina” is a scream queen like no other with her Carrie-esque telekinetic powers, making her a very worthy adversary for Jason. And her “wounded bird” back story really gives us a character to root for at a time when audiences were now on Jason’s side. She really gives us a quite a show at the end while battling Mr. Voorhees, utilizing her mind skills to the extreme. Jason may have had the muscle, but she definitely had the brains.
The kills in Part VI are glorious, gory, and come at you at an incredible rate. Mr. Jason uses his bare hands to dish out a large sum of painful demises from head crushes to neck snaps. There are also a plethora of blunt object offings that should have spurted more copious amounts of crimson. However, the most impressive, unmatched dispatch occurs when Jason swings his trusty machete through a triple beheading! That’s right! One sharp swing, three heads rolling. Impressive.
First off, if the kills in Part VII weren’t so viciously editing down by the MPAA, it may have went down in history as the Jason movie with the best gruesome kills period. The gore he spills through the use of a machete, pointed objects, gas-powered garden tools, and his hands could have been so damn epic. Instead, we are mistreated to a number of careless cutaways right before any true money shots. There is one fun beating of a babe in a sleeping bag (but the uncut version was way better).
Jennifer Cooke certainly makes for a cute leading lady as do most of the other chicks in the cast. And Darcy DeMoss has a nice sex scene in an RV, yet her top is on the whole time. Actually, part VI commits the single most heinous crime in the history of Friday the 13th movies: there is NO nudity! Not one boob! Not a single butt! Not even a bra and panty shot! This is absolutely inexcusable regardless of how good this movie is!
As if it learned something from Part VI, Part VII ups the hot, naked chick quotient quite nicely. Miss Heidi Kozak is wonderfully sexy as a horny hottie who loves getting it on and going skinny dipping. And she’s got one hell of an ass. Then we have the wonderfully stacked redhead, Elizabeth Kaitan, who shows us her ample bosom a number of tasty times. Wonderful! And even though she doesn’t get naked, Susan Jennifer Sullivan is a bitchy blonde goddess as “Melissa”.
Tommy Jarvis is waiting out in the lake on a boat, taunting Jason. He is holding onto a set of chains tied to a giant rock, surrounded by a ring of fire. The battle begins. There is something just so dramatic watching an on fire Jason duking it out with the one kid that killed him the first time. And just when it looks like Tommy has done in Jason, yet given up his own life, out comes Megan to save his ass and ram the boat’s propeller right in Jason’s face!
Okay, Tina and Jason go head to head in this epic telekinetic versus undead psycho battle. She’s attacking him with tree branches, electrocuting him, bringing roofs down on him, and setting him on fire. Jason keeps coming. She is now cornered on the dock and he is about to strike. What does she do? Well, duh! She resurrects her dead father from the bottom of the lake, who then drags Jason down to the murky depths. Here’s why this is awful: 1. We are supposed to believe that Tina’s father’s body was never retrieved and buried. 2. Her father has been dead at the bottom of this lake 7 years. When she resurrects him, he looks perfectly normal save for some soot marks on his face. What the f*ck?! Screw budgetary costs! If the dad doesn’t look like some waterlogged zombie, the filmmakers are giving Jason fans the biggest insult since the ending of Part VIII.
Friday the 13th Part VI Jason Lives
I am so damn curious to see how many of you agree with this outcome. Part VI is a personal fave of mine, hence I clearly feel that it deserves to kick the ass of the rather poorly crafted Part VII. Jason Lives was so expertly executed with a plethora of great gore gags, self-aware humor, and fun characters. For the sixth film in a franchise, that’s saying something. But what I care most about is what it says to you! Are there enough Part VII supporters out there to cry foul? I’m not gonna know unless you spit them bullets below! And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at
[email protected].