I was pleased as a peach to read that ya’ll had some cheesy fun with our last
Face-Off. Of course everyone agreed that Jason X deserved to easily beat the space snot out of Leprechaun in Space.
Today’s Face-Off tips its blood-soaked hat to this Friday’s release of the CARRIE remake. I’m not sure if it will be able to top or even match the 1976 original, but it does have a pair of great actresses as the leads. Regardless, we are presenting you a telekinetic title bout by taking Sissy Spacek’s “Carrie” and putting her up against Friday the 13th Part VII’s “Tina” played by Lar Park-Lincoln. So, lather yourself up in some pig’s blood and prepare to move some shit with your mind! Let’s do this!
All it takes is the slightest stare and Carrie can send a powerful telekinetic jolt into anything. She starts small, merely causing some asshole kid’s bike to crash. But soon, our pale little outcast is dishing out a hell storm of revenge upon the snarky students at her prom. She takes out a huge chunk of the student body through locked doors, a fire hose, and a smashing inferno. From there, she’s still got enough juice to flip a car and defend herself against one insane mama!
Whenever life gets rough, Tina lets out the magical mental might and shuts folks the f*ck up. Beginning as a young girl, she was already able to stop her abusive father by causing him to drown from a busted pier. This was good practice for her big-time confrontation with the man behind the hockey mask seven years later. Tina is able to take down the unstoppable Jason numerous times. Of course, he keeps coming, which forces her to summon all her power to actually bring her dad back from the dead to finish Mr. Voorhees off.
Let’s face it. Carrie is the ultimate high school outcast. Sure, it’s her overly religious mother’s fault, but she still can’t come close to any slight semblance of fitting in. I mean, she didn’t even know what getting her monthly visitor was. At least she was able to muster enough social recognition to accept an invitation to the prom from the hunky Tommy Ross.
Even though she is a bit guarded, Tina is able to let loose and interact with a bunch of popular kids looking to party at the campsite. She still comes off as a bit shy and awkward, especially when interacting with queen bee babe Melissa and her fellow hotties. At least Tina can stand her own and break the bitch’s pearls. She also is able to capture the eye of resident stud, Nick.
First of all, Carrie is a redhead which automatically gives her a bit of a sultry sexiness. You’d think that a character who has been raised so religiously could never get a female-loving viewer all hot and bothered. However, in the flick’s opening scene we get to meet Miss Carrie in the girls’ locker room in all her birthday-suited glory! And I’m not talking PG-13 teasing. We get full on boobs, butt and bush!
Tina definitely has the blonde, innocent good-girl thing going for her. She has a very cute face and a perfectly serviceable bod. The only thing that sucks is that she is the flick’s “scream queen survivor girl” which means that she may not take part in any sexual activities. This means that the chances of a nude scene are even slimmer. Hence, her hotness is never fully realized.
Make no mistake. The popular group of high school assholes that make it their mission to ruin Carrie’s life are some hardcore evil pricks. They actually concoct a most elaborate scheme to embarrass the poor girl that even involves killing pigs in order to get their blood. Now that is true dedication to the most evil form of torment.
It’s the hot but bitchy Melissa and… f*cking Jason Voorhees. The End.
Is there any horror-loving, establishment-hating, popular-kid-loathing person that hasn’t always longed for a massacre to happen at the prom? Carrie graciously fulfills that sick fantasy whilst covered in pig’s blood. It is one hell of a sequence in terms of mass carnage and even has to resort to split screens to further exemplify Miss White’s all-encompassing damage. Good girl!
Okay, even though Jason is never really dead, I’m still counting Tina’s disposal of him as a “kill”. I mean, she does put a finite stop to his reign of carnage. Even though her method for disposing him is one of the most poorly conceived ideas in the history of horror (she brings her daddy back to life from the bottom of the lake and he looks like he was only under water for about 20 seconds), I suppose it is a death.
Well, it looks like we have another harsh blow sent towards the stalwart fans of Friday the 13th Part VII. And I’m sorry to be the death dealer, but I’ve always felt that Part VII was shit and Carrie is a f*cking classic! No offense, but I’m glad that Miss White took this bout. However, like I always say, my opinion means nothing! What matters is what you, the reader, thinks! So, I beg of you, spit them mutha-f*cking bullets below! And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at
[email protected].