Ron: “I look good. I mean really good. Hey, everyone! Come and see how good I look!”
Ron’s Pre-Air Moments
The Channel 4 News Team
Ron: “You stay classy, San Diego.”
Ron: “Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you to stop what you’re doing and listen….Cannonball!!!”
Meet the Team
Brian: “I know what you’re thinking and the answer is yes; I have a nickname for my penis. It’s called the Octagon. But I also named my testes; the left one is James Westfall, and the right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right you might get to meet the whole gang.
Champ: “WHAMMY!”
Brick: “…Years later, a doctor will tell me I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call “mentally retarded.”
Veronica Corningstone
Ron: “I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal…I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.”
Ron: “I wanna say something. I’m gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don’t, send it right back. I want to be on you.”
Ron and Baxter
Ron: “Come again? You know I don’t speak Spanish. In English, please.”
Ron: “What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole… wheel of cheese? How’d you do that? Heck, I’m not even mad; that’s amazing.”
Hungover
Champ: [Uncut Version] “I woke up this morning and I shit a squirrel. I mean it, literally. Hell of it is, damn thing’s still alive. So I got this shit-covered squirrel down there in the office. Don’t know what to name it.”
Brick: “Oh, I’m sorry, Champ. I think I ate your chocolate squirrel.”
Champ: “What the hell’s diversity?”
Ron: “Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship used during the Civil War era.”
The New Reporter
Outrage!
Brick: “I don’t know what we’re yelling about!
Ron:”She… Sh… It’s terrible. She has beautiful eyes, and her hair smells like cinnamon.”
Brick: “Loud noises!”
Brick: “I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.”
Brian: “Well, that’s just great. You hear that, Ed? Bears. Now you’re putting the whole station in jeopardy.”
Wes Mantooth and the Evening News Team
Champ: ” I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.”
Brick: “Where’d you get your clothes… from the… toilet store?”
Courting Corningstone
Sex Panther
Brian: “60% of the time, it works everytime.”
Brick’s Pants Party
Veronica: “Brick, are you saying that there’s a party in your pants and that I’m invited?”
Ron’s Gun Show
Ron: “Ohh, it’s the deep burn. Oh, it’s so deep. Oh, I can barely lift my right arm ’cause I did so many. I don’t know if you heard me counting. I did over a thousand.”
Optical Pants Illusion
Ron: “Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”
Panda Watch
Brian: “Hey, you’re making me look stupid. Get out here, Panda Jerk!”
Ron: “I’m Ron Burgandy?”
Ron and Veronica’s Date
Ron: “It’s a fact it’s the greatest city in the history of mankind. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, the named it “San Diago” which of course in German means a “A Whale’s Vagina.”
Jazz Flute
Pleasure Town
Ron Confesses His Love
Brick: “I love lamp.”
Ron: “Do you really love the lamp, or are you just saying it because you saw it?”
Brick: “I love lamp. I love lamp.”
Afternoon Delight
Champ ReallyMisses Ron
Champ: “We need you. Hell, I need you. I’m a mess without you. I miss you so damn much! I miss being with you. I miss being near you. I miss your laugh! I miss your scent. I miss your musk… When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!”
Ron: “…And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won’t be invited!”
The Burrito Incident ft. Jack Black
Punted Baxter
Ron in Hysterics
Ron: “I’m in a glass case of emotion!”
Co-Anchor Veronica
Announcer: “You’re watching Channel 4 News with five-time Emmy award-winning anchor Ron Burgundy and Tits McGee.”
Veronica: “Good evening, San Diego. I’m Veronica Corningstone. Tits McGee is on vacation.”
Ron: “And I’m Tits… I’m Ron Burgundy.”
Trash Talk During the Credits
News Fight!
Ron: “Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?”
Brick’s Trident
Luke Wilson’s Arm
Ron: “Boy, that escalated quickly.”
Ron v. Veronica
Ron: “You are a smelly pirate hooker!”
Veronica: “You look like a blueberry!”
Ron: “Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”
Veronica: “Well, you have bad hair.”
Veronica’s Plan
Ron:”And I’m Ron Burgandy. Go fuck yourselves, San Diego.”
Ron: “Great Odin’s Raven!”
Garth: “You were my hero Ron! Why’d you have to say that? You come out with stink like that. Poop. You poopmouth, with poop out of your mouth!
Destitute Ron
Eat the Cat Poop!
Ron: “It’s so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice!”
Panda Time!
Bar Talk ft. Danny Trejo
Veronica in the Bear Pit
Ron: “NEWS TEAM – ASSEMBLE!!!!”
Brian: “Ron, I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want her to live.”
Bear Fight
Brick: “Hey, Ron. I’m riding a furry tractor.”
Luke Wilson’s Other Arm
Baxter to the Rescue
The Future of The News Team
National Anchors
Ron: “You stay classy, planet earth.”
Meet the Man-Babies
Dale: “But dad what if I want wings?!”
Robert: “You don’t need wings”
Dale: “That’s not enough dad!”
Robert and Nancy Meet
Brennan: “I didn’t want salmon! I said it four times!”
Moving In
Brennan: “I’m not gonna call him dad.”
Nancy: Brennan, you’re 39 years old, I would not expect you to call him dad.”
Brennan: “Well I’m not going to, ever! Even if there’s a fire! Robert better not get in my face, cuz I’ll drop that mother fucker”
Dale: “Dad, we’re men. That means a few things – we like to shit with the door open, we talk about pussy, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That’s what we do, and now that is all wrecked!”
Dale: “Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I’m looking good, got a luscious V of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes, ” Oh, my God, I’ve had the old bull, now I want the young calf,” and she grabs me by the weiner.”
Face-to-Face
Dale: I’m Dale, but you have to call me Dragon.”
Dinner Table/Fancy Sauce
Brennan: “That’s cute. I remember when I had my first beer.”
The Drumset
The Talent Show
Bedtime
Dale: “The only reason you’re living here is because me and my dad decided your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her. We’ll just put up with the retard in the meantime.”
Brennan: “Who’s the retard?”
Dale: “You are.”
Brennan: “Hey you don’t say that!
Dale: “You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors”
Brennan: “You’re not a doctor; you’re a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!”
Brennan: “I’m gonna get a pillowcase, fill it with bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you.”
The Battle is On
Brennan Rocks the Drumset
Dale: “Why are you so sweaty?”
Brennan: “I’m gonna go put my nutsack on your drumset!”
The Fight!
Brennan: “This house is a fucking prison!”
Dale: “On Planet Bullshit!”
Brennan: “In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!”
Sleepwalking
Family Sing-Along
Treehouse of Nudie Mags
Punching Derek
Alice: “I wanna roll you into a ball and shove you up in my vagina.”
Bonding
Brennan: “Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.”
Dale: “I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that’s what you mean.”
Samurai Swords and Night Vision Goggles
Brennan: “Did we just become best friends?”
Dale: “Can we turn our beds into bunkbeds?”
Brennan: “And here’ the thing, it would give us so much extra space in our room to do activities!”
Bunkbed Fail
Job Interviews
Dale: “We’re here to fuck shit up.”
Pam/Pan Dilemna
Seth Rogen: “Was that a fart?”
Prestige Worldwide
The Gang of Children
Brennan Sings
Dale: ‘Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.”
Nazi and a Klan Member
Brennan: “If you all need furtilizer I got a lot of it!”
Therapy
Male Therapist: “Is this GOOD WILL HUNTING?”
Dale: “No.”
Male Therapist: “It sounds a lot like the plot of GOOD WILL HUNTING.”
Dale: “Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck…”
Faking a Death
Dale: “It’s the asbestos in the air, that’s what did it!”
Fucking in the Bathroom
The Presentation
Boats ‘N Hoes
Brennan: “Hey, you’re embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck! Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She’s a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000. Or I’m gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!”
Sleepwalking Again
Throwing Robert Down the Stairs
Christmas Love Making
One Last Fight
Burying Dale
Dale: “I’m alive Brennan, I’m alive!”
Dale Emerges
Brennan: “ZOMBIE!”
Adulting
Randy: “POW!”
The Fuckin’ Cataline Wine Mixer
Robert: “Don’t lose your dinosaur.”
Musical Gods
Brennan: “We could hug.”
Derek: “Yeah, I bet you’d like that, faggot!”
Awkward Hug
Treehouse.Boat Filled with Nudie Mags…and Chewbacca Masks…and Crossbows