Robotic war was waged with our last
Face-Off. Everyone all agreed that RoboCop 2 (AKA Robo Cain) would most certainly defeat ED-209 and his stairs-impaired feet. Now, I’m kind of wondering what RoboCop 2 would do to the RoboCop remake. Oh, well, another time.
For today’s Face-Off, we are carrying over some of the lovey-dovey stench from this past Valentine’s Day weekend by pitting two eternal horror movie couples up against each other. When you mix romance with horror, you usually end up with a vampiric outcome (and, Hell No, I am NOT talking about anything related to shitty Twat-light). What we have below is a couple of vamp-themed couples that would bury Bella. So, without further adieu, prepare your hearts for Near Dark’s Caleb and Mae Vs. The Lost Boys’ Michael and Star.
Caleb is drawn to Mae the instant he lays eyes on her outside a random liquor store. After a brief conversation, he is already set on offering a ride to wherever she needs to go. Mae starts off as a bit shy, but soon has no trouble opening up to her chauffeur in shining armor. When he asks for a kiss, she simply can’t help but not just obliging, but freakin’ turning him into a vampire with a neck bite!
You knew Michael was gonna fall for Star fast upon first seeing her dancing to that sexy shirtless sax man. No one can resist sexy shirtless sax man! From there, the two meet face to face when Star offers to pierce his ear because she’s so awesome at it. That’s a pretty crazy way to start off an introduction, but hey, it works on Michael.
These two start off hot and heavy almost immediately in the front seat of Caleb’s truck. He doesn’t even lose interest after she bites him! From that point on, even as Caleb goes through a painful and confusing transformation, he still finds the will and strength to get busy with Mae whenever he sees her.
After drinking David’s blood, Michael goes on a fast whirlwind of vampire-themed hysterics. Upon finally returning to the Lost Boys’ cave, he runs into Star, Cry Little Sister starts playing, and the two get down to some big-time love-making. It must have been good because Star was supposed to kill him afterwards, but just couldn’t bring herself to do it.
Well, Mae’s vampire clan, which includes Bill Paxton and Lance Henricksen, doesn’t take much of a liking to him right away. They initially want to just kill him, but Mae is able to plead for his life. However, when Caleb’s family catches up to him, a big time rift erupts between the humans and the vampires. And trust me, you don’t want to be on the bad side of Lance Henriksen and Bill Paxton.
Kiefer Sutherland and his band of rocker vampires scared the crap out of me when I was a kid. Today, they still seem pretty tough. Still love when Corey Feldman refers to one of them as Twisted Sister. But Kiefer himself truly makes for one formidable main baddie. Plus, Edward Herrmann also seems like an insurmountable force as the head vampire.
The initial confusion and craziness of becoming a vampire takes a toll on Caleb, causing him to come off as a tad weak. He is very reluctant to make his first kill. However, when his new vamp clan is under attack at a motel, he totally proves himself by braving the sunlight in order to get them their escape ride. And Mae always displays a quiet force whenever she needs to stand up for her man. And when her vamp clan attack’s Caleb’s family, she is able to get his back and attack her own family.
Once Michael understands what the hell is happening to him, he is ready to fight for his love and his family. He openly welcomes David and Max to battle when they invade his home at the end. However, when it comes to Star, she is pretty useless when it comes to taking a stand. First, she isn’t able to make Michael her first kill. Then, when the threat comes towards her and her man, she lazily takes a back seat.
After a tough, heart-breaking battle with the vampire clan, Caleb is able to get Mae out of the sun in just enough time to administer the same type of blood transfusion that previously cured him. She miraculously wakes up and feels human again. They happily embrace and all is well. Aw.
After David is destroyed, Michael and Star still don’t feel any better. Then Max reveals his “head” status. Just when we think this love story is dead, Grandpa comes crashing in, honking “la cucaracha” on his jeep. Max is dead and Michael and Star are free to continue their love in human form. Aw.
We have a near perfect score for Near Dark’s young couple. I’m definitely interested in hearing what our faithful readers feel on this one. Are Caleb and Mae the better couple? Did Michael and Star get prematurely staked? Kindly fire your garlic-laced bullets below. And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at
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