Ho Ho Ho! It seemed we were all in happy holiday agreement with the outcome of our last Christmas-themed
Face-Off. Everyone felt that The Woman from INSIDE was a stronger Christmas Eve slasher than Santa from SILENT NIGHT. I certainly wouldn’t want her coming down my chimney, but seeing as how I’m not 9 months pregnant, I probably don’t have to worry about it.
With this being the glorious week of Christmas, we will be having some yuletide fun with our final Face-Off of 2013. Since I’m sure many of you will be spending your Christmas Eve and Day within the warm hearth of some familial location, I got to thinkin: What would be the best horror-iffic place to be stuck at during this time? Thankfully, two classic holiday horrors instantly came to mind. And just to make this abundantly clear, I am Not deciding which is the better movie. This Face-Off is to decide which is the better LOCATION within the movie. Got it? Good. So, let’s see… which place would I rather spend Christmas: the sorority house from Black Christmas or the town of Kingston Falls from Gremlins? Let the fun begin!
Sorority chicks! Sexy, virile, drunk college girls! And one frisky, boozing house mother (if you’re into that kinda kinky shit). I don’t see how you could possibly go wrong sharing in some holiday cheer with this bunch of young nubiles. Plus, they’re all either scared, turned on, or both from the freaky, perverted phones calls that keep coming in. So, they’ll definitely need some consoling of one kind or another.
This town’s full of colorful characters that truly exemplify Americana. There’s good-natured Billy who works at the bank with the lovely Miss Kate. You’ve got Mr. and Mrs. Peltzer, the loving parents. There’s also Murray Futterman, the town drunk and Gerald the douchebag. Lastly, there’s the appalling old bitch Mrs. Deagle, who keeps Kingston Falls from winning this category.
The girls are definitely in the spirit in more ways than one with the fun holiday party they are hosting at the house. They’ve also decked the place out in a wonderful array of glowing lights, wreaths, and a Christmas tree. Virtually every room seems to have a happy Christmastime feel. It’s just too bad they didn’t do a better job of securing the attic.
Kingston Falls is just full of merry holiday love. The town is like a Christmas Normal Rockwell from its brightly illuminated streets to Pete’s father’s Christmas tree lot. And the blanket of snow covering the landscape only enhances this cheerful mood. If I were a real estate developer, I’d build this exact town for my next holiday project over in Jersey.
What you’ll find under the tree at Pi Kappa Sig is some naughty lingerie and booze. And who the hell can argue with gifts like that?! I’m not saying woman’s underwear is on my Christmas list, but with all those lovely young ladies in the house, what better present could you ask them to unwrap? And, of course, I’d have no trouble throwing back a few with Margot Kidder, the house lush.
Well, let’s see… the main gift bestowed within Kingston Falls is unbelievably cute and cuddly and he can sing. I’ve always wanted a mogwai of my own. However, I can’t dismiss the massive amount of damage and terror that happens from this initially awesome Christmas gift. I may still want one, but it sure is one hell of a risky investment. Maybe I should just ask for some tinker toys?
Well, it may be a sorority house, but it’s one freakin huge sorority house. How huge? Huge enough to have a dead body staring out of a window for the length of the flick and STILL not get noticed. Whether you hide yourself in a closet or lock yourself down in the basement, there’s a pretty good chance you can escape all types of danger.
Hey, Kingston Falls may be a small town, but it’s STILL a town! If you want to escape evil, you have a wide range of choices from your actual home (just lock the doors) to the local bank and its vault (any of you seen the cut scene of Gerald hiding in there?). Also, if you just stay away from any electrical devices, you have a pretty good shot at surviving.
I think it’s a safe bet to say that Billy gives new meaning to the term psychotic killer. Not only does he want to taunt you with absolutely chilling phone calls, but once that’s done, he shocks the shit out of you by revealing that he’s actually already IN your damn house! And this nut kills girls. To be able to off the fairer of the species with such malicious disregard is truly horrifying.
Okay, these damn gremlins love spreading mischief and evil, and they’re f*cking everywhere! Sure, they aren’t very tall, but if you encounter a whole bunch of ’em, just ask Dave Meyers who plays Santa in Kingston Falls every year, you will be in deep trouble! And all it takes is water to make these things multiply by the boatload! If it weren’t for the magical draw of the film Snow White, that entire town would be f*cked!
Kingston Falls (Gremlins)
I can’t help but feel a little bit weird about having to choose a winner for this Face-Off because it involves two of my all-time favorite holiday horror films. I also can’t believe that Norman Rockwell beat out a bunch of nubile sorority girls. But it is Christmas and as Hans Gruber always says:
“It’s the time of miracles.” So, it seems that Kingston Falls would be a better place to spend Christmas as opposed to the Sorority House. REMEMBER! I am NOT comparing Gremlins to Black Christmas! Now, since that is clear, what is your opinion on this matter? Is there somewhere else you’d rather spend your horror holiday? Kindly spit them bullets below! And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at
[email protected]. Merry Christmas!