Eli Roth’s Funhouse

I’m not exactly sure what it’s like on the planet where Eli Roth lives, but I’m sure it sucks because Eli Roth is there. A plus-point though, is probably that he makes a new movie every week there, since he seems to be talking about what film he’s gonna make next constantly. This week, it is Tobe Hooper’s THE FUNHOUSE:

“I’m talking with Universal about that one… THE FUNHOUSE is a movie where the first half is brilliant—they set up these great characters—and then they pay off none of them. You have Marco the Magician sawing his daughter in half, the brothers who run the carnival and the funhouse setting. And then it’s all about this weird mutant thing. It should be about the kids getting killed in horrible ways, put in different contraptions in the funhouse and the final girl being strapped into the ride and sent into the tunnels to be confronted by terrifying tableaux of her dead friends. A smart remake could be so much fun. Kill the kids in fabulous ways and continually reuse the bodies by making them freaks in the freak museum, sew their eyes shut, waxworks.”

Look, I’ll be honest I don’t even care to talk about this. You guys, please, have at it. Me, I’m gonna sit back and ogle Eva Longoria. It is a modest endeavor, but I feel I will give it all of the attention it deserves. Plus, there’s probably just about the same chance of me banging her as there is Roth making this movie or that sci-fi thing he was talking about, anytime soon.