Die Another Day

Wow, this might be a tough one. British uber-spy James Bond is up against a sly bunch this time around, men, who have uncovered a genetic process which allows them to change their actual faces. Wow. In between nailing a fellow spy here and there, Bond tries his best to infiltrate the gang of diamond-smuggling villains, while the villains…well, try to take over or blow up the world? Something like that. Martinis, cool cars and giant action sequences…ensue.

Are you looking for the “typical” James Bond movie? Are you looking for a super-cool spy with gadgets up the wazoo, a babe at every turn, a slick car, slick hair, slick suits and an unquenchable thirst for martinis? (shaken, not stirred-much like my love life) Are you hip to awesome settings, the endearing Bond theme, action stunt pieces galore, surfing, sky-diving, car chases, fights, swordplay and over-the-top bad guys? Are you accepting of films that don’t really concentrate on their plotlines, other than to let you know that there are “bad people” out there who wanna do “bad things”, and prefer to enjoy the spectacle of it all instead? If you answered “yes” to the majority of these questions and don’t mind sitting through more sexual innuendos than the last ten Bond pictures combined, chances are that you will likely enjoy this latest ride with action-packed scenarios to satisfy all popcorn nuts, Bond staples to satisfy all fanatics and Halle Berry in a kick-arse orange swimsuit…to satisfy perverts the world over (president of the Montreal chapter in the hiz-ouse!) But the film’s excess also turned me off a little. It might actually have too much action, too many over-the-top sequences (the final plane scene is a perfect example), too long a runtime, too many double-entendres (some convos between Bond and Jinx were JUST sexual references!) and during one very unfortunate scene…too much really bad CGI!

The scene to which I’m referring (actually, if you see the movie, you won’t need me to point it out-and how the filmmakers kept it in the picture is beyond me!) is the one in which our British stud falls off a giant ice-cliff and surfs over these monster waves. The entire sequence looks very much like an actual video game and took me completely out of the picture! Ridiculous. Thankfully, the following scene was almost as spectacular as that one was horrendous, with a lengthy car chase over ice which delivered in twists, turns, fun and explosions (and if you enjoy explosions, you might just blow…your top for this film). Of course, for anyone who knows anything about Bond films, you most certainly shouldn’t go into this picture expecting to come…out with a better understanding of world politics or under…cover agents, but if you want to shut your brain off for two hours and fifteen minutes (…too long-please cut that god-awful surfing sequence out for the dvd release), enjoy big bangs, British dicks, action up the bum-bum and a plot that you will most likely not fully grasp or give three shits about…pay your dollar bills at the counter, slip a condom into your back pocket (to protect yourself from all the silly sexual one-liners) and enjoy the all-around…blast. The opening nighttime surf sequence also charmed the pants right off me…nice touch. And by the way: can anyone explain how, or why, Mr. Blonde was in this picture? (looking as cool as ever, I might add)

PS: Madonna should never be allowed in any motion picture ever again, be it via a musical ditty, a cameo or an actual acting performance. It’s just my humble opinion, but her half-assed theme song sucked the big one.

Note: I just reread my “review” of THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH and I have pretty much the exact same points, complaints and compliments as I do in this one. Weird, eh? James Bond also tries to come on to me in that review (it’s actually more of an interview with the man himself), but that’s another story altogether.

(c) 2021 Berge Garabedian