D.E.B.S.

Young women are being recruited into a secret governmentally run institution known only as D.E.B.S. if their skill sets coincide with the spy organization’s requirements which have to do with cheating, lying, stealing and…well, looking really, really hot. This film follows the adventures of four of those lucky ladies as well as their archrival villain known as Lucy Diamond. What ensues is a lot of hot chicks in short skirts, kissing amongst said girls and some other shit that I didn’t pay much attention to—particularly after the hot chicks in short skirts starting kissing other girls!!

Can you really go wrong with a movie starring 4 hotties acting like spies, carrying big guns, wearing Catholic schoolgirl uniforms and cavorting in some lesbo action?? I mean…really, can…you…go…wrong? Sadly for us…apparently, you can. While D.E.B.S. certainly has the right idea, a cool premise and all of the above mentioned requirements for one hot-ass movie (if nothing else), it lacks in energy, top-notch humor and ultimately…a story, worthwhile for any one of you (and me) to fork over some hard-earned bucks to experience it on the big screen. That said, it’s still damn cute, includes enough spy stuffies and groovy special effects, enough, well…chicks in really, really short Catholic schoolgirl skirts carrying guns (still counts for something) and enough of a borderline teenie-pop bubblegum “my first crush” type of plotline to ultimately come through on one level—and that level being…well, the lesbian level, of course!! That’s right, reminiscent of the one of the greatest built-up kisses in movie history, the one between the lovely Laura Harring and Naomi Watts in MULHOLLAND DRIVE, the over-make-up’d Jordana Brewster and that hot blonde chick from THE BIG BOUNCE spend much of the time in this film going back and forth about their possible hook-up and eventually develop a cute relationship. That relationship, mind you, doesn’t exactly stir up emotions a la THE NOTEBOOK, and eventually ends up taking more time in the film than the spy stuff, which just gets lost in the background.

The film’s ultimate problem? Very simple. You don’t create a movie starring 4 hotties wearing short skirts, carrying guns and kissing other chicks and then concentrate your film on a “relationship” with two of the girls carrying on as girls do because that’s not what the guys who are obviously going to see this movie (see: short skirts, guns, lesbo stuff…) give a shit about! They’re guys…guys who are paying sweaty money to see hot chicks in short skirts running around in combat boots and high heels and kicking ass! Granted, the film does offer us a couple of scenes as such, and the Asian chick from 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS is damn cute as the French whore who likes to smoke a lot (don’t they all?), but ultimately the problem might be that the writer/director (a woman, natch!) tried to marry both worlds so that the men in the audience would be satisfied with the eye-candy on the screen and the ladies would appreciate the relationship stuff (and songs from The Cure, New Order…), but I submit that this attempt at balance ultimately leaves both sides somewhat unsatisfied. The film is still pretty original though, and even though I would have preferred that they stick to the hot-chicks-with-guns angle, the relationship and lesbo stuff was kinda neat too, and even though I honestly didn’t laugh out loud once during the entire picture, I was smiling through most of it – except for the scenes featuring Michael Clarke Duncan, only because I couldn’t figure out why the man would take on such a small role in such a small film. Strange.

Oh, and did I mention that the black chick had just about the hottest body that I’ve seen on any woman in any film in any time? No? Well, I mentioned it now. Her name is Meagan Good and I would like to take this opportunity to ask that she drop me an email because I would like to propose that we go out on a date and “see where it takes us”. Yeah dude…that’s all I got! Oh and the film…you can wait until it comes out on DVD/video and round up the Kleenex at that time. As for the ladies…well, play it by ear.

(c) 2021 Berge Garabedian