Dear Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson,
Can I call you “Rock”? I’m gonna call you Rock. It just sounds so much more badass than Dwayne. And given some of your career choices as of late, you seem to be in need of a confidence booster. I’m writing to you today to retrace your career, reminisce a bit, and because of some past transgressions, usher some stern, fatherly advice for the future. Just know that all criticism is constructive, and coming from a place of love. In other words, please don’t lodge “The People’s Elbow” into my eye socket after reading…
We all know your entertainment career started off in the wrestling ring. And like many other spandex-clad, muscled-out superstars before you, a failed film career full of cheesy B-grade bottom-shelf action flicks seemed to be your destiny. Just ask Hulk Hogan, aka the SUBURBAN COMMANDO. When you made your first big-screen appearance as The Scorpion King in that MUMMY sequel, (in what looked like an ancient version of a wrestling costume) well, it was just good enough to get you your own film. Wisely, you ran with it and played…THE SCORPION KING. Hey, I can understand that. That shit definitely grossed more than NO HOLDS BARRED ever did.
But after that, something miraculous happened. You showed up in a cool little action flick called THE RUNDOWN, and suddenly, our eyes were OPENED. All that goofy machismo and charisma you brought into the ring? You toned it down to make it work on the silver screen! And the humor? That took us completely by surprise. Your action skills were also top notch- you didn’t resign yourself to throwing a few WWE piledrivers or burly punches, you knew how to work a shotgun and a bullwhip just fine. Hell, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the greatest action star of all-time, even made a cameo and seemed to pass the proverbial baton, anointing you as his next heir apparent. All was right and fanboys everywhere breathed a collective sigh of relief that the action king throne was about to be justly filled…
Then came WALKING TALL. A serviceable performance on your part, but with a shoddy script and mediocre direction, there was nothing anybody could do to save that flick. Next came the non-action flick BE COOL– the long awaited sequel to GET SHORTY, featuring an amazing cast of award-winning Hollywood heavyweights and…The Rock? I’ll be honest with ya Rock, I fully assumed you would be out of your league here. So imagine my shock when I saw the flick (unfortunately), and YOU were leagues better than any other character in it! The film bombed of course, followed by another dud in DOOM, and you seemed to take it all pretty hard. I say this because, following that massacre you pretty much gave up on steel cage matches and headed for the sandbox.
It started with THE GAME PLAN. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see you return to your football roots, but not in a feel-good Disney family film. I know it’s an easy paycheck, and your massive frame is bound to get a surefire giggle or two out of the kiddies, but c’mon brother, what would your old football buddies at ‘The U’ have to say about your race to Bitch Mountain? I understand you tried to rectify that with the more adult-oriented GRIDIRON GANG, but this time you opted for coaching. Dude, you’re built like Ray Lewis and not Bill Belichek for a reason. So throw on some pads, and HIT a motherf*cker! Unfortunately, after the financial failure of that flick, you beat yourself up further, and things only got worse. A lot worse. I mean…TOOTH FAIRY?! The day you proudly adorned Tinkerbell wings for a movie poster and starred alongside Julie Andrews was a sad day in Hollywood.
Now, I know what you’re gonna say next: “Aaron, you judgemental sonuvabitch, have you SEEN the trailer for FASTER?” And yes, I have, and it looks awesome. And for a moment the clouds parted and a brief ray of sunlight shone through; The Rock was coming back to his senses. But then came word that you signed on to take Brendan Fraser’s sloppy seconds in JOURNEY 2, and that you were gonna play not second, but third fiddle to Vin Diesel and Paul friggin’ Walker in FAST AND THE FURIOUS 5. Did you ever see Stallone appear in sequels to lackluster films? No. And you don’t need to either. You can run the show baby. I understand your frustration in your failure to catch on thus far as an action hero, but the solution is simple.
Stop making family films, and start choosing action flicks with SOLID directors (like Peter Berg). It’s not so hard, man. A quick look at the resumes of Kevin Bray, Andrzej Bartkowiak, and Andy Fickman coulda told you how their films you appeared in would turn out. Now remember, its only because I love you that I’m coming down on you so hard. I’d never waste the time for Jon Cena or Steve Austin. It’s just that, when I smell what the Rock is cookin’, I want it to be the sweet aroma of a 24oz Ribeye, not a Peanut Butter & Jelly with the crusts cut off. Luckily for you, the jury’s still out on Sam Worthington, and thus the action king throne is still pretty much vacant. So climb on up there and take a seat, once and future king. You can probably even custom fit the thing with a Bowflex.
Hugs and Kisses,
Aaron the H
Come back to us, sweet prince.