Crossroads

Britney Spears…oops, I mean, her “character” of Lucy is about to hit the road with her two best friends from grade school, Kit and Mimi. Lucy is out to find her mom who abandoned her when she was three, while her two friends are respectively tagging along to meet up with a fiancé and to enter a talent contest? Anyway, lots of shots of the open road, the girls singing along to lame tunes and Britney Spears getting laid (!!) ensue. Note: we don’t actually see her getting laid. Damn!!

See Britney wiggle her ass. See Britney skimp around in a pink bra and undies. See Britney write songs. See Britney lip-synch. See Britney admit that she’s a virgin. See Britney sing along to an N*SYNC tune. Okay, okay…remind me again why this movie is any different than watching Britney Spears in real life? Art imitating life aside, this movie was pretty much what I was expecting. A predictable, empty, fluffy ninety minute show, featuring the lovely Spears in different outfits acting cute, dancing and singing songs, whenever the opportunities presented themselves. Of course, I’m not going to pretend that this movie is targeted to me in the first place, so you should definitely take my “manly” opinion with a grain of salt. Even Brit herself admits that the film was made for 13-year old girls who get together and giggle a lot. Now I’m definitely not a 13-year old girl (at least, not physically) and even though the Arrow and I do get together and giggle sometimes, I’m assuming she wasn’t talking about that same kind of giggling (non sequitur: the director of this film also did HALF BAKED). My point? Well, my point is that even though I consider the characters in this movie as one-dimensional, stereotypical and lame, many teens might relate to them somehow (one girl thinks she’s queen shit, the other is trailer trash (no, not Britney) and the other is a virgin who’s hot as hell (guess who, baby!)). Add to that, a jerk-off dad (yup, it’s Dan Aykroyd, ladies and germs) to whom some chickiedees might relate, a gorgeous “cool guy” (Anson Mount, actually bringing some solid acting to the table) and plenty of repetitive sequences featuring the girls either giggling, singing along to songs or talking “serious”, and you’ve got yourself a recipe not made for people like me. Then again, I wonder why there were certain 40-year old men sitting in the crowd with long trench coats? Hmmmmm…curious.

Okay, now the big question: can Britney Spears act? Well, I’ve seen her on SNL a few times and always thought that she came off pretty well. Here, she isn’t asked to do much more than to be herself and as that…she handles herself quite formidably (duh!). But that’s like giving Courtney Love props for “acting” like a drug-addict in a film, right? (oops, that really happened, didn’t it?) Yeah, they have Britney cry in a couple of scenes, but most of the time, they just give her a slutty or virginesque outfit to string on and tell her to “play” sexy or innocent. And was I turned on by her in the film? You’re damn right I was! Any film that opens with Britney Spears bouncing around in tight undies on her bed, can’t be all bad, I always say (well, maybe not always…but I’m saying it now, dammit!) Sure, the film isn’t good, especially the ending, which inexplicably gets way too melodramatic and idiotic in plot twists for anyone to take seriously, but for 13-year olds, maybe some of the “After School Special” themes are relatable. As for predictability, well…Britney’s character is going to see her mom who left her at the age of three and is quite confident that her mom is also going to be excited to see her. One guess as to whether or not she will be. Her trailer trash friend is pregnant with a kid that she’s not sure that she wants to keep. Two guesses as to what will happen to the kid. And finally, the last girl is going to surprise her fiancé in L.A., a dude who, for some reason, is asking not to see her anytime soon. Hmmmmm, I wonder why? Anyway, you’re not going to get anything original from this film, but if fluffy teen fare is your game, if you want to see Spears make out with a dude on-screen or remove her robe to reveal nothing but a hot bod and pink lingerie, and if you actually like the kind of music which she churns out on the radio (she’s not a girl, folks!), see it but don’t expect miracles. As for the rest of you, keep downloading those fake Britney porn pics off the Net or taping those music videos and utilizing the “pause” button as best you could…and oh yeah…drink Pepsi??

PS: One specific karaoke scene features Britney strutting her stuff on stage while singing one of the most lifeless versions of “I Love Rock ‘N Roll” that I’ve ever seen…and to top it off…it’s the pop version?? I don’t get it. If you love rock ‘n roll, why are you singing this lame-ass non-rock ‘n roll edition?? Grrrrrrr!!

(c) 2021 Berge Garabedian