C’mon Hollywood: Who Hid The Weed? Guest column by Ted the Bear

Last Updated on August 2, 2021

For this special edition of C'mon Hollywood, we've invited Ted, the weed-loving teddy bear to go off on his own rant for the column, in anticipation of the Blu-ray/DVD release of TED 2 today. So, let this fuzzy little bastard attempt to woo you with his words and perhaps convince Hollywood to smoke a bowl or two when considering what they greenlight next. Take it away, Ted…

OK, let’s get one thing straight: I love smoking pot and watching movies. While there are few greater thrills in life than to light up and watch Liam Neeson epically kick ass across our humble television screens in bone-crunching, neck-snapping fairly high definition…there is still one thrill that is the pinnacle of perfection: Getting high while watching a movie about getting high. When my film Ted was released, Hollywood was deep in a golden age of narrative-driven, pot-themed films, and I couldn’t have been happier. But now, Ted 2 excepted, the pot comedy seems to be riding off into the sunset.

Fortunately, while preparing my epic rant to pot-shame Hollywood, I compiled a “must-see with Visine and pizza bagels” list of the highest films in Hollywood history, as ranked by me. This was no small feat, and took months more than it should have, but I think you’ll agree it was worth it. Voting was conducted fairly, and was largely tabulated by memory. The amount of snacks consumed during any given film was a big factor, as was the amount of gratuitous nudity featured in each film.

Here, in no particular order, are the films that earned a place in High History. BTW, many of these were former Blockbuster rentals that we “lost” so that we could see if they stood the test of time. I’m happy to report that they do:

Reefer Madness
What happens when you try to make a propaganda film warning against the dangers of drug use? It backfires and encourages kids to take their first “toke of reefer.” This legendary scare film was shot in the 1930s and is still just as clueless today.

Cheech and Chong’s Up in Smoke
The Citizen Kane of pot films, Up in Smoke has it all – Cheech, Chong, a van, 1970s Los Angeles, and a literal ton of weed.

High School High
I think this had Jon Lovitz in it, so that’s a high score right there. The master thespian is exponentially funnier under the influence.

How High
I loved this movie. Method Man and Redman smoke the ashes of their dead friend who gets them into Harvard. Five stars.

Ted
All true. Real pot in every scene. Need there be any more explanation?

Dazed and Confused
The 1970s were like one giant pot party, so this guy made a movie in the 1990s about what it was like to be high in the 70s. Now, all those actors were in their twenties in the 1990s, and now they’re in their forties, so we should make a movie about the 1990s right now and call it the sequel, just like Star Wars. Think about it. Star Wars came out in the 70s, and again in the 90s, and now it’s coming out again. And Yoda was as high as a kite when he took Luke’s snack that time in the swamp. He was so high he was like, “Mine!” I totally get like that.

Pineapple Express
Fact: Seth Rogen and James Franco were not acting. Someone they knew just filmed them and crashed cars around them and shit. Oh, and that underground pot farm? Genius.

Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
Super high movie about two dudes who go on an epic journey for burgers and end up in prison. Did you know that there are THREE Harold and Kumar movies? I thought I was watching the same movie in varying states of highness, but actually, it is a goddam trilogy, like Star Wars. Because it always comes back to Star Wars.

So, c’mon Hollywood. Where are the next great pot movies? Besides Ted 2, which is coming out as you read this. I guess Ted 2 will have to be the torch bearer until the next generation of fearlessly filmmakers light up in solidarity and bring us what we always wanted: a separate cinema. I call it HOLLYWEED.

TED 2 is now on blu-ray/DVD. Get it HERE. Don't forget the Doritos. And Pizza. And Beer. And cupcakes. You know the drill.