C’MON HOLLYWOOD: Errors, Egos and Excuses!

…Errors, Egos and Excuses!
by J.A. Hamilton

I’m sure by now it comes as no surprise that many questionable decisions come flying out of Hollywood on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. These are the kinds of things that stand out from the usual orgy of news concerning unnecessary sequels, pissing and moaning, genre raping and the list goes on and on. These next three issues are relevant debates but by no means could fuel and entire column on their own so I decided to tackle all three at the same time.

Congrats big fella, you’re number one.

My first query is with MGM studios and the apparent clusterfuck they’ve made of the Bond franchise, the second largest running film series of all time (the first being GODZILLA if you can believe it). Now Bond’s had his fair share of ups and downs but for me, Daniel Craig breathed new life into a series that was rapidly losing its lustre. Craig was set to star in three more Bond flicks (five total) and I couldn’t be more happy with this news, even now amidst all the chaos, he and director Sam Mendes are holding on to the dream hoping MGM will get their combined head out of their ass. Why would MGM drop the ball here with so many boat loads of cash just sitting there on the horizon? There are so few franchises left now so letting a sure thing like Bond slip through your fingers is just bad business.

“Did you just say you’re cancelling my next movie?”

Now speaking of horizons, boat loads of cash and bad business, James Cameron has decided to re-launch his Leo led tale of icebergs and epic racks as TITANIC once again sails onto the big screen and yes, you guessed it, it’ll be in 3-D. Now bringing AVATAR back to theatres is one thing, it’s still a lame excuse to accumulate a sick amount of benjamins but even I will admit that AVATAR’s 3-D performance was a must see. That said, bringing TITANIC back is bullshit and a blatant multi-million dollar ass raping on par with George Lucas wanting to put all the STAR WARS films back to theatres for a 3-D payday. Personally I think Cameron and Lucas are amassing all this money to start their own governments which will join forces to overthrow and crush all current governments and then separate once again so they can battle one another for global domination. Don’t laugh, it could really happen.

Will seeing Winslet’s icebergs in 3-D entice you to buy a ticket?

Dear Marvel, why the hell would you even think of replacing Edward Norton as Bruce Banner/Hulk, especially after you’ve gone out of your way to link all these films together in an attempt to fuel anticipation for THE AVENGERS!? It makes absolutely no sense, nor does the fact they added insult to injury by attacking him personally. It’s not often you hear an actor/actress being called out like that. To be perfectly honest, I’ve only heard of this twice; once about Tommy Lee Jones back when VOLCANO came out and then again about Steven Seagal when EXIT WOUNDS wrapped. Norton’s one of my favourite actors and I just don’t appreciate or buy this nonsense. Add to that, he and Tim Roth were the only two things that saved THE INCREDIBLE HULK from becoming a dud in the first place.

“…and I’d like to thank Marvel for screwing me five ways from Sunday.”

Thus far this year last left a sour taste in my mouth when it comes to movies (for the most part, as Eric Draven would say, “it can’t rain all the time”) and the horizon isn’t looking all that great when weighed against news updates like these. Daniel Craig is an awesome Bond and that’s a series I don’t want to see go away, so please MGM don’t let this become a disaster like THE HOBBIT or SCREAM 4. I was truly hoping the 3-D train was losing steam and maybe milking the shit out of TITANIC, AVATAR and STAR WARS will help make that happen (though I doubt it). And as a comic book fan boy I really want to see THE AVENGERS work but Marvel just seems content on screwing us all over so unless they pull a serious string of rabbits out of a hat I, like many others I would assume, are simply going to stop caring. I know we as fans ask for a lot, but stuff like this should be a given.