C’mon Hollywood #156

… stop giving your kids stupid names!
by Sturdy

I wouldn’t for a second pretend that Hollywood stars live by the same rules as the rest of us. They seem to be able to drink and drive, destroy property, use illegal drugs and sometimes even murder without receiving the same repercussions as regular schmoes like us would get. As unfortunate as it is, it’s just one of the many benefits of being rich and famous. But what I don’t get is why they insist on giving their kids the most ridiculous names they can think of. With all the preggers popping up around Hollywood, now is a good time to put an end to weird kids names.

Go ahead and give it a shot; match the name to the famous parents.

I’m of course reminded about the Seinfeld episode where George insisted on naming his kid “Seven”. I wonder if Gwyneth Paltrow had a similar discussion with her friends when deciding on “Apple”? Is this some type of game amongst Hollywood stars? Do they go to dinner parties and brainstorm these names? I’ve been calling them “names”, but they’re not really names at all. Most of them are random words, or in some cases, made up words.

I hear ya George.

My dad isn’t famous, so I’m not sure how well using your father’s occupation as a defense will help you in grade school. However, I somehow doubt that while Apple is getting gum put in her hair, the old “my-dad-was-in-a-band” defense is going to be too effective. Plus, imagine the horror if the school bully isn’t fully versed on his movie history? When you’re in early grade school (private or public), it doesn’t matter how much money you have or what your parents do for a living if you have a ridiculous name. Right now you can probably name a kid in your school that had an f’d up name and you can probably remember a few instances of said kid getting ridiculed. But can you remember what his/her parents did for a living or if they had money?

How many beatings is this song going to inspire?

Another unfortunate thing for celebrity kids is that they can’t really change their name. As non famous adults, we could go down to the courthouse and change our name to Telephone Funkyshire and no one is going to care. You’ll get an odd look from the clerk and your friends and family will probably laugh, but before you know it, people will be calling you Telly. Rumer Willis, however, is still going to have to live with that name the rest of her life. Sure, she could change it, but since famous kids have their names announced to the world and are known as that by millions of people, they’re stuck with it. You know she uses her name to get into clubs and get free shit. Who’s going to believe her if she shows a driver’s license that says “Kelly Smith”?

Honestly guys, my dad is John McClane!

Weird kids’ names are not funny. I’m getting old and coming close to the point where I’m going to start having kids myself and I can’t imagine doing that to a kid. A bad/weird name is the same as punching the kids’ ticket to daily ridicule. As bad as their childhood school days will be, I guess the consolation prize is they’ll be filthy rich and won’t have to work for a living when they turn 18. Oh, and they’ll probably be beautiful too…bastards. But even with that, these kids names have gotten out of hand. Let’s stick to the good, old fashioned names.