Buffy the Vampire Slayer

A dim-witted Valley-girl is chosen to be the most recent inductee into the centuries-long line of vampire slayers. Despite her initial skepticism, the girl eventually settles into her role of kicking bloodsucker ass, with the aid of a salty old mentor and a cute slacker boy.

Flat comedy/horror flick that barely scratches the level of mediocrity in either genre. Most of the jokes in this film were either recycled or uninspired, while the horror aspect appeared to be entirely underdeveloped. Kristy Swanson’s breasts helped me ease through most of this film, as well as the cheesy acting by the man with the beach forehead, Luke Perry, but overall, it felt like a “good premise gone awry” at best. And even if camp were to have been this film’s prime motivation, it met its mark but only slightly. That being said, I was never bored during the film (which only ran for about 85 minutes or so), but felt as though the vampire-slaying scenes could have been expanded further, as well as the bloodiness of the whole thing.

Too much time was spent on the high school aspect of the script, which was essentially a bunch of dumb-dumb kids talking over-written dialogue to one another. Like CLUELESS (7/10) but without the wit or entertainment value. Rutger Hauer was also the crappiest bad guy, using every single cliché in the book, including my all-time favorite, which consists of talking the ears of your nemesis, instead of killing them off quickly as you should. Needless to say, the final confrontation was a perfect example of an anti-climax, if I ever saw one. See it if you like the premise, Swanson’s breasts, Perry’s Caesar haircut, Affleck’s two-second appearance, or Paul Reubens only other real part since Pee-Wee “I love porno” Herman, otherwise, return to your video store and rent a real fun vampire movie, like THE LOST BOYS (8/10).

(c) 2021 Berge Garabedian