Make a Good Shark Movie!
Remember JAWS? That was awesome. There are very few movies that dominate
their sub-genre like Spielberg’s classic does. There’s no argument as to what
the best shark movie ever made is. If there was a Mount Everest constructed just
for shark movies it would feature Hooper, Quint, Brody, and Bruce. There’s no
room for anybody else (I just totally ripped off Bill Simmons, again). Without
getting too broad, what other movie is such a universal lock as the best of it’s
kind? A lot of people would claim THE GODFATHER to be the greatest Mafia film of
all time. I prefer GOODFELLAS. Think HALLOWEEN is the only slasher that matters?
There are millions of Voorhees and Krueger groupies that would love to punch you
in the neck. You get the point, so I ask you, what is the second greatest shark
movie ever made?
While it’s not quite as bad as the straight-to-DVD zombie
epidemic, horribly cheesy shark discs aren’t too hard to find if you’re looking
on the right shelves. Just keep an eye out for the bikini and the ridiculously
angry great white on the cover. Inside you’ll find a complete lack of character
and tons of CGI splashing. Ahhh… CGI, the real culprit of how bad these films
are lately. It gives the creators confidence that they pull off anything yet
never allows them to actually make it look decent. Is there any type of film
that has been ruined more by advances in technology?
There are three potential movies on the radar that have me
interested. 1) DEEP BLUE SEA 2 – if only because the original was a shitload of
fun with a great premise. However, the lack of Thomas Jane can destroy any film.
2) THE USS INDIANAPOLIS – because there’s the potential there for a visually
fantastic event resulting in truly horrifying circumstances. Think TITANIC meets
OPEN WATER, with less bush. And 3) MEG – because they’ve been teasing us with it
for years (with things like that promotional artwork below) and the opening
scene has a Megalodon eating a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Everyone wants to see that.
Everyone.
Maybe it’s the booze talking but it’s hard to believe any movie
is untouchable. There has to be another great shark movie brewing somewhere in
Hollywood, right? Maybe the answer isn’t as simple as a higher body count, more
teeth, and comically unrealistic predators. Maybe some detail to the plot, a
solid cast, and the slightest hint of suspense is all we need to rediscover the
magic. Or maybe we just need a bigger boat.