Booze Talkin’ #3

Last Updated on July 26, 2021

Where the Hell is Trick
’r Treat?

Seriously, who’s cock do I have to punch to finally get to see
this fucking movie? I’ll do it, a blind cock-punching rampage that’ll start in
the lobby of Warner Brothers head office straight up to the helicopter pad on
the roof. Not even Bugs would be safe. Could somebody at least try to explain
why they won’t give us a movie who’s trailer debuted in July of 2007 on the 300
DVD? Is it because it’s not a remake? It’s not a sequel? There’s no creepy
Japanese kids, zombies, or torture (note: I actually don‘t know if any of these
things are in the film as I HAVEN’T FUCKING SEEN IT)? Director, Michael
Dougherty, and his movie have it’s own built-in release date as much as holiday
movies do in November or romantic comedies in February. Still, two Halloweens
have past and the only thing I had to look forward to was another SAW movie.

None of this would bother me as much if the movie itself wasn’t
getting jizzed on by everybody that’s been lucky enough to see it. Other than
winning the Audience Award at Screamfest this past October (with a very happy
Dougherty on hand), every single review I’ve read online (including our resident
pimp, Arrow, right here)
is overflowing with drool lathered praise. A current 9.3 rating over at IMDB,
100% fresh at Rotten Tomatoes, ecstatic response from the film’s original
screening during Ain’t it Cool News’ Butt-Numb-a-Thon in December of ‘07, and
again at Fangoria’s showing of the film last October. All of these facts are
doing nothing to help me comprehend why this movie has been shelved for over two
years.

Now that we’re through with the obvious rants, let’s take at a
look at some minor shit. The cast for this thing is pretty solid and, for some,
the timing this past Halloween seemed perfect. Anna Paquin is starring in a
fairly popular show on HBO about vampires called ‘True Blood‘. Tahmoh Penikett
could have filled a void for thousands of hardcore fans of, arguably, the
greatest sci-fi show ever (Battlestar Galactica) as they await the final
episodes this January. Brian Cox was getting tons of early Oscar buzz this year
for his work in RED, a sweet little revenge flick that allowed him to kick some
punk-kid ass. Moneca Delain was pretty damn hot in LOST BOYS 2: THE TRIBE. Sure,
none of this is enough to rush a release date but tie it all together with the
fact that it’s fucking Halloween and your movie is called TRICK ‘R TREAT, you
might gather enough people to fill a theatre or two. And what about poor Leslie
Bibb, she’s going through this twice-over now with how Lionsgate handled
MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN.

Maybe it’s the booze talking (and this is confirmed by the fact
that I just threatened to punch Bugs Bunny in the cock) but a 2009
straight-to-DVD release of this film doesn’t seem to be doing it any justice. I
guess it’s better than nothing (I would take a limited edition laser disc at
this point) but I tend to like my scary movies bigger than life, where my wife
has nowhere to run except my lap, and it gets me out of the house on Halloween
because, ironically, I hate giving out candy.