Booze Talkin #19

Last Updated on July 26, 2021

The Shape vs. Busta: Horror’s Darkest Hour

It’s almost that time of year again. Every October I clear one specific day of all responsibilities and treat myself to a HALLOWEEN marathon. I gather as much booze and food I can find in the house, carve my own personal jack-o-lantern for ambiance, and lock the door to my office. I’ve learned to pace myself at first in order to marvel at the ultimate perfection of the original film. By the time the kid shows up with the razorblades in his mouth in part 2 I’ve got a good buzz going and giggle relentlessly. Just before I pop in SEASON OF THE WITCH I drop some acid. Everything makes sense that way. Parts 4-7 are taken in during a constant drunk that, not only increases their quality, but allows me to consider them the greatest films ever made. Then we come to part 8, HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION, a film all the booze in the world couldn’t help. When you have the balls to start out your film by killing off one of the most iconic horror protagonists in the history of film, I can only imagine what you have planned for the rest of the film. And here it is.

It’s the epic battle nobody was waiting for. It only makes sense for Michael, after finally defeating Laurie Strode, to move on to second-rate rap stars that are shooting reality television shows in his old house. Let’s take a look at their first encounter, where we see the ground rules being laid for their relationship. Somebody wears the pants here, and it ain’t who you think.

We’ve seen Michael kill dudes for simply walking into the kitchen. Busta treats him like a hooker hiding money from her pimp and degrades the man inside his own house, even poking him in the head during some sort of man-to-man bitch-slap. Anybody would’ve punched this little dick in the face after such nonsense and yet Michael decides it’s too early in the movie. We’ll meet again Mr. Busta, and then you’ll see what I’m made of.

What the fuck? Did Busta just kick a bitch out the window after displaying the most ridiculous kung-fu abilities known to gangstas? And make no doubt about it, Busta straight-up embarrassed Michael here. He talks some shit, takes a hit, gets up and talks more shit, gets saved by a girl, and then KICKS HIM OUT A WINDOW. Mind you, this isn’t Michael Myers vs. Batman or Michael Myers vs. Chuck Norris. This is Michael Myers vs. Busta Rhymes (or whatever his character’s name is). This shit isn’t over, right? We’ve seen Michael take way worse than this and come back to teach everybody why he’s the muthafucka in times like these, right? Let’s go to the final round.

Did Busta Rhymes just defeat The Shape by electrocuting his nutsack? And then drop one of the most fantastically bad one-liners in the history of bad one-liners on his ass while walking out the door with the woman he rescued in the process? What kind of bizarro HALLOWEEN existence does this movie take place in? I have to believe Busta agreed to star in this film only if he could write all his own scenes. How else do you explain a character that can talk so much shit to, arguably, the greatest horror villain of all time, beat his ass twice, get the girl, and do it all while being broadcast live across the internet so everybody knows how bad-ass he is? I wonder if Mary Jane got a co-writer credit on this thing.

Maybe it’s the booze talking but….. what the fuck? A franchise that started out with a little kid wearing a clown costume stabbing the life out of his big sister in one of the most disturbing scenes in cinematic history ends with said kid, grown-up and homicidal, being defeated by a rapper named Busta? I might have to rethink my distaste for Rob Zombie’s rebooting effort.