Pussy Vampires
Don’t let that title fool you with it’s sneaky word-trickery. This rant is not about undead dwellers of the night that feast upon the nether regions of unsuspecting women (as awesome as that would be). This is about pop culture turning some of our most beloved horrifying mythological legends into melodramatic little bitches. When did movie vampires stop showing up on the cover of Fangoria and start being a permanent fixture on shit like BOP! Magazine? This shit needs to stop. I’m taking it back.
This TWILIGHT bullshit is ruining cinematic folklore. This ‘Transylvania 90210’ trend is taking everything we knew about vampires and burying it underneath a steaming pile of teenage hormones. How horror can be played off as teen-drama is beyond comprehension. I hope Bram Stoker runs into Stephenie Meyer in Hell and delivers the two hundred year old bitch-slap she deserves. And make no doubt about it, these books and movies are a phenomenon. I was treated to it first hand at the San Diego Comic Con. There is an unstoppable force at work here that needs to be taken head-on by horror fans and punished. Every time a vampire sparkles – God kills a puppy. This is fact.
What happened to shit like this? When vampires were evil and declared war on the human race? These stories used to keep me up at night wondering if some cruel bloodsucker was hanging outside my window. I would actually try to bottle sunshine during the day and keep them under my bed, ready to use as grenades when the unavoidable take-over became a reality. I wasn’t too smart, but fuck me if I was unprepared. Shit like DRACULA, BLACULA, THE HUNGER, MARTIN, SALEM’S LOT, THE LOST BOYS, NEAR DARK, and FRIGHT NIGHT taught me vamps are not to be fucked with, let alone made out with and caressed in the pale moonlight. More recently FROM DUSK ‘TIL DAWN, BLADE, 30 DAYS OF NIGHT, and LET THE RIGHT ONE IN kept the tradition and added some welcome badassery. However, it’s looking like we’re going downhill from here. Even on television.
Are you fucking kidding me? What, about that picture, screams vampire? Even the childish ‘Coronation Street’-esque font fails in the ways of the macabre. Is it so bad that the pussiest of vampire stories is now being ripped-off by pussier, less original vampire stories? I sure hope there’s an end to this and it doesn’t start an ‘American Idol’ type onslaught against my senses. I might not survive this one.
Maybe it’s the booze talking but I don’t feel like sharing my genre with teenage girls. Don’t they have enough? What’s next, a zombie sitcom for middle aged housewives? Maybe Godzilla can team up with ‘Extreme Makeover: Home Edition’. It hard enough to get quality horror any more, we don’t need shit like this abusing our genre any more.