Awfully Good: The VelociPastor

Last Updated on July 30, 2021

The VelociPastor (2019)

Director: Brendan Steere
Stars: Greg Cohan, Alyssa Kempinski, Aurelio Voltaire

A man of the cloth discovers he has the ability to turn in to a bloodthirsty dinosaur and, with the help of a hooker with a heart of gold, sets out to clean up the streets from drug-smuggling ninja priests.

Some movies only need a good title to justify their existence. I don't know if a group of Fulbright scholars locked themselves in a room, or if two stoned friends accidentally stumbled upon it, but THE VELOCIPASTOR is worth checking out just based on the name alone.

This has dinosaurs fighting ninjas, so it's automatically better than the last JURASSIC WORLD movie.

Originally conceived as a Grindhouse-style trailer back in 2011, director Brendan Steere's full-length adaptation turns a brief one-note joke…in to a much longer one-note joke. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. In all honesty, THE VELOCIPASTOR was better than I was expecting and it all comes down to the "silly yet self-aware" tone. It's the ninjas vs. dinosaur movie I never knew I wanted.

The cast, the crew, random acquaintances—everyone knows just how stupid a movie THE VELOCIPASTOR is and they plant their collective tongues firmly in their cheeks and just go for it. If there's a possibility to squeeze in a dumb joke or ridiculous gag, they'll do it. It's a film where a priest and a prostitute fight ninjas in their underwear. Where two characters have a "Threes Company"-style misunderstanding that confuses being a dinosaur with the act of sexual intercourse. Where the title character looks like it was made by Stan Winston's poorer, less-talented cousin Archie.

I've heard of fighting off temptation, but this is ridiculous.

The movie follows a young priest named Doug Jones who loses his faith when his parents are killed in a random car explosion. (You know he's starting to question his faith when he stares in to the camera and says, "I'm starting to question my faith.") A fellow Father suggests he travel the world to find himself and his new purpose, and soon he lands in China. (You know he's in China because he looks around, nods and says, "China." Also, the title card that says "CHINA.") He immediately stumbles upon a dying girl who is being chased by ninjas. She gives him an enchanted prehistoric tooth and tells him it will make him a "dragon warrior."

Doug touches the tooth and wakes up back in America. He assumes the entire ordeal was just a dream until one night he witnesses a local sex worker being mugged… and promptly turns in to a human-sized, slightly-chubby dinosaur and devours the robber. Although initially horrified at breaking one of the big Commandments, Doug realizes that his dino-power is actually a gift from God that will allow him to clean up the streets of his community. Teaming up with his newfound prostitute/friend Carol, the VelociPastor sets out to take on crime, including a pimp named Frankie Mermaid and a gang of ninja drug-smuggling priests whose goal is to [SPOILER] get everyone in the city hooked on cocaine and then cut them off cold turkey, forcing them to go to a Christian rehab facility where they'll find God. It's kind of a brilliant plan when you think about it.

"Oh no, it's…The Claw! Nothing can stop The Claw!"

In case you hadn't noticed, THE VELOCIPASTOR really throws the kitchen sink at itself. It's full of overdramatic twists and flashbacks, over-edited sex scenes, unnecessary title cards (although one almost did make me do a spit take), and gags that purposefully go on way too long. It's fun and the silliness mostly works, though some jokes are less successful than others. For example, there are side plots for random supporting characters, including a lengthy Vietnam War flashback, that feels like the filmmakers just killing time.

What does help though is the performance by Greg Cohan, who stars as the title character. Cohan plays everything at 11 and isn't afraid to look goofy. He's over the top, but not cringeworthy, which is quite an accomplishment given the material. Same goes for Alyssa Kempinski, who plays Carol the prostitute. The two have great chemistry together amongst all the outrageousness.

This Benedict Cumberbatch deep fake is legit.

One thing that has to be seen to be believed, however, are the effects used to bring the VelociPastor to life. If you're expecting bad CG like the SyFy Channel, you are in for a surprise. The VelociPastor is fully practical, meaning a real human is forced to wear a bulky costume that is so anatomically wrong (you can actually see where the person's head goes in the suit) and clearly impossible to move in that it's hysterical. I do give them a ton of credit for going practical, but this makes TAMMY AND THE T-REX and THEODORE REX look like JURASSIC PARK.

Even when he's only partially transformed, the poor actor is still saddled with terrible rubber claws that look like they came from an off-season Halloween store. It all comes together to make the action and the fighting so bad that I'm both thankful and sad that the dinosaur only shows up a few times during the film.

Although I can't be the only one disappointed they didn't put a priest collar on the dinosaur, right?

Funny, that was my nickname in high school.

Anything longer than 70 minutes would've been a chore, but THE VELOCIPASTOR is short, sweet and entertaining to watch. I give it a passing grade for effort and for having a giant lizard-sized heart.