Director: Matthew Diamond
Stars: Cary Elwes, Cloris Leachman, Christopher Lloyd
The Teletubbies have sex with Pee Weeâs Playhouse and then go on a bad acid trip.
I know itâs not really fair for a discerning adult to cast judgment upon a film thatâs made purely for kids, but THE OOGIELOVES exists in its own dimension. A strange land where the rules of humanity and the laws of reason are continually set on fire and thrown out a window. This movie is so soul-achingly weird and awful that itâs mesmerizingâlike a kiddie version of THE ROOM. Never before has a film been so genetically built for drug use, with its bright colors, offbeat characters, bizarre humor and complete randomness. Just, for the love of God, do not let any impressionable young people near this thing. Itâs celluloid child abuse.
THATâS WHAT SHE SAID!
In case youâre one of the 7 billion humans whoâve never heard of THE OOGIELOVES franchise, itâs because there isnât one. No big following, no clamoring child fansâthey were literally made up for this movie. And who should we blame for THE OOGIELOVES? That would be Kenn Viselman, the man who brought the Teletubbies and Thomas the Tank Engine to the United States. He literally came up with the idea when he paid to see MADEA GOES TO JAIL in theaters (Warning Sign #1âŚ) and was amazed at how the primarily, um, urban audience enjoyed talking back to the characters onscreen. Thinking this would be a fun experience for kids, Viselman spent the next 3 years attempting to patent his interactive âyelling at the movieâ idea and fellating the Devil in exchange for a $20 million production budget and some actual Hollywood stars. All that perceived audience participation is particularly ironic considering that THE OOGIELOVES is one of the biggest box office bombs ever, barely making $100,000 in 2000+ theaters during its opening weekend. That equates to about 2 people per showing, or one poor parent and one disappointed, scarred child.
THATâS WHAT SHE⌠oh.
Okay, enough with the history lessonâjust what the hell is an Oogielove? Best I can tell, apart from sounding like some weird sexual fetish, the Oogieloves are a trio of mildly retarded mutant kids who live in a tree. Goobie is the nerd of the group, Zoozie can talk to animals, and Toofie is âall about having fun,â which means he has a fauxhawk and his pants fall down constantly. With their expressionless faces and oversized, poorly made costumes, the Oogieloves look just human enough to be completely terrifying. In their treehouse, the âkidsâ live with a window named Windy, a talking vacuum cleaner named J. Edgar (Get it? GET IT??) and a goldfish named Ruffy whoâs always grumpyâprobably because nobody ever put water in his bowl. If this set up makes zero sense to you, you can once again thank Mr. Viselman, who completely ripped off the characters from a lesser known TV show called âMy Bedbugsâ that taught children about cleaning up before bedtime. In that program it makes sense to have characters that are a vacuum cleaner and a pillow. In this movie, not so much.
Doc Brown was just biding his time until he could find the Delorean, go back and kills his agent.
The plot revolves around the Oogieloves trying to throw a surprise birthday party for their pillow Schluufy, the worldâs only anthropomorphic bedding with Downâs Syndrome. But when the wind blows their magic golden balloons away, the gang must utilize their âhomemade GPS-enabled walkie talkiesâ to go find them. This is all an excuse for the kids to meet the most random group of singing and dancing B-list celebrities imaginable, whose only connection to this project seems to be their ability to be blackmailed:
â Cloris Leachman as a grandmother who loves polka dots and has orgasms when things are in circles.
â Chaz Palminteri as the racist-sounding Milky Marvin who runs a milkshake restaurant and is married to a cow.
â Toni Braxton as a famous singer who sneezes a lot and spreads bacteria.
â Jaime Pressley and Christopher Lloyd as Lola and Lero Sombrero, a Spanish couple who live in a giant flying Mexican hat thatâs powered by dancing. (Lloyd doesnât speak; he just plays the bongos and dances like an Egyptian.)
â And saving the most amazing for last: Cary Elwes as Bobby Wobbly, a cowboy whoâs obsessed with bubbles and walks likes he just got out of a drunken prison rape. There are no words to describe the degree to which THE PRINCESS BRIDE star overacts, suffice to say that his performance here deserves a lifetime achievement Razzie. Also, his pet bird is lactose intolerant and gassy.
Now please enjoy these .gifs as a taste of the glory that is Bobby Wobbly:
In case you couldnât tell THE OOGIELOVES might be the most manic and random kidsâ movie of all time, something that will give a child with ADHD nightmares. âOur balloon is lost! His pants are falling down! Itâs time to sing a song about pancakes!â You might as well call it WTF: THE MOVIE. And the songsâoh God, the songs. Theyâre all horribly written, sloppily thrown together and make no sense. One tells kids to rub their tummies and stick their fingers in their ear; another teaches them to drink gallon-sized milkshakes without fear of brain freeze; and then Toni Braxton a sings a sexy R&B ballad about getting the flu.
UmmmâŚ.
I donât want to promote heavy drug use, but with the characters constantly talking to you and asking you to interact, the random turtles and butterflies walking across the screen, and other nonsensical madness, THE OOGIELOVES is just begging for it. But whether you get super baked or not, if you need a laughable dose of âWhat the hell did I just watch?â in your life, this will be the funniest, scariest and most amazing thing you see for a while.
Yeah.
That part of the movie where the talking balloons declare âThe only thing stronger than wind is love!â and then demand that you blow them kisses.
1) If you watch one video on the Internet today, please let it be this life-changing introduction in to the world of Cary Elwesâ bubbly Bobby Wobbly.
2) Want more? Hereâs Cloris Leachman, Chaz Palminteri, Jaime Pressly and Christopher Lloyd embarrassing themselves via song and dance.
GIVE ALL YOUR MONEY TO BOBBY WOBBLY! Buy this movie here!
Take a shot or drink every time:
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