Awfully Good: She-Wolves of the Wasteland

August 24th 2011, 9:18am

She-Wolves of the Wasteland (1988)

Director: Robert Hayes
Stars: Persis Khambatta, Kathleen Kinmont, Peggy McIntaggart

Is there a plot?

After a deadly plague wipes out almost all of humanity, leaving only a handful of women, a brave lady warrior must protect a young pregnant girl whose child could be the key to saving the human race.

What’s the damage?

Let me start by saying that if you have a fetish for hot lesbian lycan ladies, then you’re going to be sorely disappointed. The “wolves” in SHE WOLVES OF THE WASTELAND are metaphorical (I guess), as this film is a post-apocalyptic tale that’s more MAD MAX than WEREWOLF WOMEN OF THE S.S.

The latest photo from Roman Polanski’s CARNAGE defied expectations.

Now that that’s out of the way, we can get to the main point—WTF, CHILDREN OF MEN? Here I was, thinking you were one of the best films of the modern era when all you are is a carbon copy of a stalwart from USA Network’s “Up All Night” line up. Okay, that might be exaggerating slightly. The plots are eerily similar, but the execution could not be more different. At least I don’t remember Clive Owen wearing a loincloth, carrying a giant gun and fighting Empress Palpatine.

Things I Would Do To Save Humanity.

And really that’s all this poor B-movie has to offer: attractive ladies with minimal clothing and big guns fighting each other for 86 minutes. Granted, there’s nothing wrong with a barrage of scantily clad women playing “gladiator,” but if you’re just looking for skin, SHE WOLVES is kind of a letdown. The idea of finding the last man on Earth in the midst of an apocalypse filled with hot, horny women sounds like the set up for a porno, but there are only two moments of nudity (and one of them involves a girl giving birth). After that, there’s really nothing else of value here. SHE WOLVES is epic, with a cast of literally tens of people and cheap sets that consist of a few couches in the middle of a desert and plastic garbage bags as backdrops. Things like story, script, and acting are all even worse.

Things I Would Not Do To Save Humanity.

There is plenty of weirdness though. In a move that would give Mr. Blonde a chubby, one of the female baddies has a random penchant for collecting victims’ ears. Our heroine trains a toddler how to throw ninja stars…by having him practice on her. And then there’s the “Reverend Mother,” the head evil lady who looks like Emperor Palpatine’s enfeebled, uglier wife and keeps men alive in “seed tanks.” Even better is how her nefarious plan meets a hilariously anticlimactic end: [SPOILERS] Just as Reverend Mother is about to kill everyone, the hero slowly cuts the power cord to her electric wheelschair and she dies.

Even funny touches like this still only make for a movie that is mildly entertaining in spots.

Verizon’s last “Can you hear me now?” commercial took it a bit too far.