As Roger Clemens prepares to stand trial, let’s take a look at another dishonest pitcher…
Director: Daniel Stern
Stars: Thomas Ian Nichols, Gary Busey, Daniel Stern
The Cubs suck so badly that only a 12 year old can save them
Sometimes a great line from a movie can change your life. I’ll never forget the day I watched ROOKIE OF THE YEAR and heard the phrase “Funky buttloving!” for the first time. It was like a great light shone down upon me from the heavens, instructing my 8 year old brain to use these sacred words as much as humanly possible. I would like to take this opportunity to formally apologize to my parents for the summer of 1993.
Aside from potentially groovy assplay, ROOKIE OF THE YEAR is still kind of a mystifying kids movie. It tells the story of a child named Henry who royally sucks at baseball, yet is determined to play the sport because his single mom continually lies and tells him the one night stand that resulted in his birth was with a star player. One day the boy gets injured, from sucking at baseball, only to find that the tendons in his arm have healed too tight and essentially turned it in to a giant rubber band. (The “funky buttloving” comes when the doctor accidentally receives the full force of his arm cannon and does not know what other expletive to yell.) And instead of having this serious malady fixed, Henry joins the Cubs and helps them win the World Series.
I’ll just accept the fact that a major league baseball team would ever allow a 12 year old to play for them despite the legal, ethical and logistical nightmare that would cause. The kid can throw fast; same thing worked for Happy Gilmore, I guess. But isn’t this kind of cheating? His “talent” isn’t natural and is the result of a medical procedure. Not to mention I don’t remember Henry ever ‘fessing up and telling anyone about his magical tendon. Whether or not it’s legal, I like to imagine that after Henry left the sport, he was put on trial and the whole sport was thrown in to chaos as pitchers lined up to have their tendons surgically tightened.
(Let me make it clear: I really don’t care about getting in to an argument about the rules of baseball. These are just the places my mind goes when I re-watch movies from my childhood like this.)
The movie stars Thomas Ian Nichols, the annoying kid who kept making speeches in the AMERICAN PIE movies, as well as John Candy, Dan Hedaya and a young(er) Gary Busey. Busey plays a past-his-prime pitcher named Chet “The Rocket” Steadman who begrudgingly shows Henry the ropes…er, the bases. Even at this stage of his career, Busey isn’t entirely coherent as an actor (just listen to his speech about the “have to’s” for proof) but what’s worse is that they also have him playing the romantic lead. Having The Buse simultaneously mentor you and hit on your mom has to be an automatic ticket to therapy.
And you’ll never guess who directed ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Kevin Arnold’s inner monologue Daniel Stern (aka Marv from HOME ALONE). Stern is more than competent as a filmmaker and I give him credit for ROOKIE turning out as well as it did given its premise. But you’ll forget all about that as soon as you see Stern onscreen as Brickma, Henry’s retarded pitching coach. The word “retarded” gets thrown around a lot, but I use it literally here—the guy is clearly mentally challenged. All Brickma has to offer to Henry and the audience is food saving techniques, the 3 R’s (readiness, recuperation, and conditioning) and some physical comedy where he gets trapped in between doors or hit in the head with baseballs. The character is so ridiculous he might be my favorite part of the movie.
There was no other choice.
1) This clip gives you a good example of Daniel Stern’s Brickma character, but it also features a bizarre cameo by “Cougartown’s” Ian Gomez as the fittingly credited “Odd Bellman.”
2) Henry gets a little cocky and another classic line is born.
Henry gets an eyeful in the locker room but the audience is thankfully spared.
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