Awfully Good: RoboGeisha

RoboGeisha (2009)

Director: Noboru Iguchi
Stars: Aya Kiguchi, Hitomi Hasebe, Naoto Takenaka

Is there a plot?

A rogue cyborg geisha must defeat the corrupt corporation that created her and her built-in ass-sword.

What’s the damage?

ROBOGEISHA is completely and utterly overwhelming with ridiculousness. It comes from the creator of MACHINE GIRL and TOKYO GORE POLICE, and it makes those movies look like Emma Thompson period dramas by comparison. The sheer amount of gore and insanity defies logic, not just taste. If you sat down with your friends and attempted to think up the craziest, most messed up things possible, you’d probably find most of it in this movie.

The story is pretty much ROBOCOP off its meds, with a young girl who goes to work for a charming rich guy, only to discover his company is a front to make military weaponry. This soon leads to her joining his team of goblin ninja servants and getting rebuilt with surgical weapon implants, which in turn leads to machine gun boobs, anal ninja stars, ass swords, armpit swords, mouth swords and much, much more. What’s funny is how the movie also attempts to function as a touching morality play about sisterly love and staying loyal to your family, even if they’re trying to murder you with acidic breast milk.

Of course, I can say things like “RoboGeisha transforms in to a tank and uses her head lasers to fight an army of prostitute assassins riding atop a giant city-destroying robot,” but it’s probably easier if I just show you exactly what this movie contains:

Hardcore Boob Smash a.k.a. Zellweger Face!

A rich mythological backstory!

Jigsaw’s Asian Mail Order Bride!

Gymnasty!

Ninja Ass Stars!

New Roomba Vaccuum!

Hell’s Breast Milk!

Now with 100% more breast milk!

Face Melting a.k.a. Zellweger Face!

Machine Gun Boobs!

Armpit Blades!

Ass Punching!

A Sneak Peek Inside JoBlo’s Home Office!

Meat Grabbing!

3D Effects!

Wolverine Cameo!

Hardcore Kissing!

Wig Napalm!

Seafood Contact Lenses!

Elderly Justice!

Geisha Autobots!

Giant Robots and Bleeding Buildings!

Angry Old Men!

Happy Old Men!

Ass Swords!

Torso Stabbings!

Sibling Rivalry!

RoboGeisha Transforming in to a Tank and Using her Head Lasers to Fight an Army of Prostitute Assassins Riding Atop a Giant City-Destroying Robot! (That may be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever typed.)

“Best” Line

I’m not sure if it’s the translation for the subtitles or the actual script, but these lines are all hilarious.

“Best” Parts

1) I implore you to watch this clip involving ass swords. It sums up ROBOGEISHA perfectly.

2) Some other greatest hits including ninja ass stars, machine gun boobs, shrimp eyes, tank geishas, giant robots and torso fights.

Nudity Watch

Everything you want to see has a blade or gun mounted to or hidden inside it. Beware!

Enjoyableness Continuum:

Have some of whatever the Japanese are smoking! Buy this movie here!

Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

• A weapon pops out of someone.
• Someone comments on their weapon/body part.
• Someone states something obvious.
• Someone kills a family member.

Double shot if:

• Irony strikes.

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.