October is here and that means a month of amazingly bad horror movies! To start off, we take a look at a film that is the polar opposite of the man-eating vagina flick PENETRATION ANGST…
Director: Adam Fields
Stars: Ron Jeremy, Amber Benson, Jason Graham
Ron Jeremy’s dismembered penis becomes possessed by an alien spirit and goes on a killing spree.
In addition to being an amazing entry in to the Awfully Good catalog, ONE-EYED MONSTER is also legitimately terrifying as a horror movie. A giant detached penis that wants to penetrate you to death? That might be the scariest thing my mind has ever conceived. Screw serial killers, zombies, or any other murderous creature. I would push my own children in the way of the One-Eyed Monster if it gave me an extra 30 seconds of not being death raped.
A shot from the Dismembered Penis Baseball segment of the next JACKASS movie.
While the concept is epic, ONE-EYED MONSTER actually lives up to the promise of its plot. Call me easily amused, but I thought this movie was hilarious, played perfectly straight with just a smidgen of tongue-in-cheek awareness. There’s a constant barrage of great lines mixed with cheesy effects and just overall creativity. It also has a somewhat serious subtext about aging adult stars and the decline of the old school porn industry. You’ll almost feel real emotion for Ron Jeremy and fellow porn actress Veronica Hart as they reminisce about the good old days when adult movies were shot on film, not digital, and had real plots, scripts and direction. Then the penis monster attacks and you’re brought back to reality.
THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY 2…twice the fun!
The story (and there actually is one!) is thus: While filming the adult feature WET DREAMGIRLS, Ron Jeremy notices a shooting star outside one night—only for the celestial object to beam down directly in to the legendary actor’s enormous member. Turns out it’s actually an alien parasite who likes to inhabit phalluses in an attempt to impregnate as many women as possible, and kill any men it sees as a threat. Soon the possessed Jeremy is filming a scene when he starts convulsing and screws the actress until her vagina hemorrhages. Then his penis literally walks away! The rest of the movie follows the victims as they’re stalked by the killer junk, playing off typical horror movie tropes. Instead of blood or acid spit, the penis drips semen on people as a warning sign. Since it can’t use a weapon like a traditional slasher, the “monster” uses itself to strangle people. (Thank goodness it took over Ron Jeremy and not an Asian porn star.) And there’s even a scene straight out of JAWS, where the murderous wang chases a man through the snow with its “fin” sticking out. Comedy gold, I tell ya!
And that’s why Superman doesn’t get BJs anymore.
What’s great, aside from the general notion that an extraterrestrial dong is flying about making its own snuff films, is how the characters respond to it. As soon as a girl bursts in to the room and says, “A killer dick’s on the loose killing people!” everyone just jumps up and begins reacting as if it’s an everyday occurrence. The group also somehow immediately figures out exactly what’s going on with very little evidence. Somehow “I saw a shooting star” turns in to “It’s clearly an alien life form out to reproduce and take over the world. It chose a porn star host because he has lots of sex, but here’s how we stop it…” Luckily they have a scientific genius on hand who looks like a young Eric Stolz and just happens to have a high-tech sex toy machine that can mimic any celebrity orifice, a perfect trap for Ron Jeremy’s dismembered member.
“I just got cast in this movie called BACK TO THE FUTURE. Things are finally looking up for The Stolz!”
Aside from Jeremy (who gets an amusing “And introducing…” credit), the cast are mostly unknown actors, save for a couple notable exceptions. One is Amber Benson of “Buffy” fame as Ron’s makeup artist and biggest fan. Veteran character actor Charles Napier (RAMBO) also brings his square jaw to the proceedings as a Vietnam vet who has encountered the killer penis before. He tells a very serious 10-minute long war story about his platoon being “massacred by dick.” It is amazing.
Why yes, that is veteran character actor Charles Napier being choked by an alien penis. Why do you ask?
There’s surprisingly little nudity in ONE-EYED MONSTER, but the film doesn’t let that stop it from having fun. In fact, my only regret is that they didn’t create a funny killer dick puppet. From the brief glimpses, the monster looks just like your average, cheap dildo.
Also, best last line of any movie ever.
Too many to choose from, but here’s five of the best.
1) A porn star gets attacked by the monster while “rehearsing” for a scene and gives the performance of her life. (NSFW)
2) A JAWS-style chase in the snow. Except substitute “evil alien penis” for “shark.”
3) A clip from the final showdown between Man and Dong. (NSFW)
One girl gets naked briefly, but this show’s all for the ladies.
Step right up, kids, and see the ONE-EYED MONSTER! Buy this movie here!
Take a shot or drink every time:
Double shot if:
Thanks to Joe for suggesting this week’s movie!
Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.