Zoom: Academy for Superheroes (2006)
Director: Peter Hewitt
Stars: Tim Allen, Courteney Cox, Kate Mara
With Hugh Jackman baring his adamantium claws for one final time this weekend in LOGAN, it’s time to revisit this unsuccessful attempt to copy the X-MEN franchise: ZOOM: ACADEMY FOR SUPERHEROES, starring Tim Allen, Courteney Cox and Chevy Chase! If Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters was your first choice for a mutant academy, and Sky High was your pick for a safety school, think of Zoom’s Academy for Superheroes as the low-rent community college you’re forced to pick after both those schools reject you. Here at the Zoom Academy, you’ll be trained by a goateed Tim Allen to use your mutant powers for…playing baseball…getting paintballs shot at you…using a UFO to go pick up some food at Wendy’s…electrocuting Chevy Chase with lightning…uhh, look, I’m not gonna lie, the Zoom Academy has gone through some pretty drastic budget cuts. But I promise you, at the very end of the movie, you will get to actually fight a bad guy and do some cool X-Men shit. Of course, that depends on your definition of “cool X-Men shit”. *Sigh*…look, I’m not gonna lie to you, the only one in this school who has a chance of doing anything after graduation is Kate Mara, and even she’s gonna end up in that shitty FANTASTIC FOUR reboot in another nine years. I’ll be honest, kid, you had a better chance at becoming a VCR repairman at that Sally Struthers correspondence school than you do here at becoming a superhero.
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