Awfully Good: License to Wed + My Little Pony: The Movie (video)

I'm getting married this Saturday and wanted to do a wedding-themed movie to celebrate. I've made a huge mistake….

License to Wed (2007)

Director: Ken Kwapis
Stars: John Krasinski, Mandy Moore, Robin WIlliams

Matrimony is a lie. Love is dead.

LICENSE TO WED is so bad it almost makes me not believe in the concept of marriage. (Awkward timing…) It's awful enough that it ventures in to the realm of morbid curiosity: How could this movie be THIS bad? Back in 2007, I remember thinking this might not be a terrible romantic comedy. It had the always-funny Robin Williams, Jim from "The Office," the easy-to-look-at Mandy Moore, and a director who helmed episodes of "Freaks and Geeks," "Parks and Recreation" and "The Office." Surely this had to be at least marginally better than most of the toxic rom-coms I had been subjected to.

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when "The Office" started going downhill, but it was probably somewhere around the "Jim is a sexual predator" plotline.

Wrong. I was so wrong. The one variable I did not count on was the script—easily one of the worst, most ludicrous pieces of toilet paper I've ever encountered. The three writers—whose best credits include MARMADUKE and ALL ABOUT STEVE—automatically qualify for a Razzies Lifetime Achievement Award based on this screenplay alone. Sweet Merciful Lord, it's so bad. THIS SCRIPT IS SO BAD.

The plot itself is fairly simple: a couple meet, fall in love and decide to get married. The bride-to-be wants to have the wedding at the church she grew up with, but in order to do so, the betrothed must take a marriage prep course with the minister. Only difficulty is that Reverend Frank is completely insane. Over the course of the film Robin Williams' character goes from world's most inappropriate clergyman to utter psychopath.

Weirdest buddy cop comedy ever.

To illustrate my point, here are some of the things he does:

– Calls someone a "wussy ass" in church
– Reads articles from Cosmo to children and forces them to play Ten Commandment Family Feud
– Steals from a vending machine
– Says things like, "Lets get the flock out of here!"
– Forces John Krasinski to play a game of catch only to deliberately hit him in the nose and heal him using the power of MC Hammer lyrics
– Sends a child to break in to the couple's house and plant illegal recording devices
– Takes them to a bar where he is essentially running a fight club
– Takes them to a hospital and forces them to watch a live childbirth
– Gives the couple a set of farting, pooping robotic baby twins—perhaps two the most horrifying things every committed to film. These dolls were rejected from CHILD'S PLAY for being too scary.
– Drops by late at night unannounced to quiz Mandy Moore about how kinky her sex life is. He then begins to role play with her as her fiancée.
– Has a Bible with the pages cut out so he can hide cheese curls inside
– Blindfolds Mandy Moore and forces her to drive around the city completely blind as a "communication exercise" with her fiancée
– Breaks them up the day before the wedding, makes them each go to Jamaica separately, and then shows up when they've predictably made up. It was all part of his course!

Seriously, there is nothing scarier than this.

As always, Robin Williams tries to work with what he has and the only possibly funny moments in the movie are when he's clearly improv-ing to try and salvage the script. But there's only so much one man can do and the character of Reverend Frank is just too inexplicably despicable to bear. The worst part is they give him a child sidekick, which means the already-inappropriate priest spends all of his time in the movie with a young boy. And I'm not taking a cheap shot. Reverend Frank literally hangs out with the kid in a van in the middle of the night. He forces him to commit breaking and entering. He talks to him about his sex life. He even takes the young boy to Jamaica with him, alone. The fact that nobody else thought this completely expendable character/plot point wasn't in bad taste truly says something.

Okay, well….

The whole story with the Reverend's ridiculous class makes no sense, but it's even worse that everyone just goes along with it. Mandy Moore's character is so crazy for buying in to it that you continually pray that John Krasinski wises up and dumps her. At one point she is literally driving blindfolded because Robin Williams told her to. When her fiancée tries to stop her like a sane person, she says he doesn't communicate and calls him a quitter. It doesn't help that Krasinski and Moore have zero chemistry together, which is truly impressive considering how likable they both are separately. That's what makes me feel the worst for John Krasinski. You can tell the actor is just embarrassed by everything he's doing. Whether it's shaking a pissing robot baby in public or using "walk the midget" as a euphemism for sex, you just can’t miss the twinge of regret sin his eye scene after scene.

This deleted scene from CASTAWAY featuring Tom Hanks' romantic proposal to Wilson was cut for obvious reasons.

Yep, a robot baby projectile peeing all over Jim from "The Office." I take solace in knowing that whatever happens, my marriage will never be as bad as anything in this movie.

Robin Williams' patented one-liners and other gems.

The "best" of the horrifying robot babies and Reverend Robin Williams talking sex positions with Mandy Moore. BONUS: Kevin from "The Office" bellydancing.

There are references to "pickle me, tickle me" time, but everything is PG.

Stay together for the kids! Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time: