Awfully Good: Jingle All The Way 2

December 10th 2014, 3:08pm

Last Updated on December 27, 2022

Good God, just look at that DVD cover. Hold me, Santa. I’m scared…

Jingle All The Way 2 (2014)

Director: Alex Zamm
Stars: Larry The Cable Guy, Brian Stepanek, Santino Marella

A broke redneck competes with his daughter’s rich new stepfather to get her the Christmas season’s hottest toy.

The original JINGLE ALL THE WAY (featured in this column way back in 2008) was enjoyable for a variety of reasons: its cynical embrace of frenzied holiday consumerism; the classic line “I’m not a pervert! I just was looking for Turbo Man doll!”; and mostly for the sight of a crazed Arnold Schwarzenegger committing a laundry list of felonies just to get a toy for his spoiled son.

But was it memorable enough to warrant a throwaway sequel 18 years later starring Mater from CARS?

A scene from TUSK 2, which will be released in 18 years and star Larry the Cable Guy.

JINGLE ALL THE WAY 2 comes from director Alex Zamm, who seemingly has forged a career out of making sequels nobody asked for. Like THE TOOTH FAIRY 2 (also starring Larry The Cable Guy), BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA 2, INSPECTOR GADGET 2, and DR. DOLITTLE 5. (Yes, five.) And he also directed CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD starring Carrot Top. So adjust your expectations for this holiday flick accordingly.

“Okay, now git ‘r done a little closer to the left.”

It really is just an unexciting, uneventful sort-of remake of the 1996 version. Mr. The Cable Guy stars as Larry, a truck driver who struggles with the English language and only works part time so he can spend his unemployed moments with his daughter. He then complains that he doesn’t have enough money and can’t compete with his ex-wife’s loaded new husband. Larry must stop the horrible new stepfather, since the man loves his daughter too much and wants to spend money to give her nice things and ensure she has a good Christmas. No, she needs to be eating Twinkies and ice fishing with her blue collar dad.

Um, that’s cute and all but I think your daughter might have a serious learning disability.

The friendly competition between the two terrible fathers soon turns serious when they discover the little girl wants a Harrison the Talking Dog doll for Christmas. (Doesn’t have the same ring as Turbo Man, does it?) Out of spite, the rich dad buys literally every single doll in town, forcing Larry to engage in some predictably wacky hijiks in order to procure one. This involves him getting beaten up by old ladies, gluing his ass to a mechanical bull, and my personal favorite™… dressing up like a homeless person to try and rob a charity event and then threatening to shit on Santa’s lap if he doesn’t fork over the toy. God bless us, everyone!

Dandruff Man’s powers were a little flaky to say the least.

The sequel lazily hits the exact same plot beats as the first movie: Larry steals from children, attempts to win the toy in a public contest, and gets busted by the authorities while trying to purchase a bootleg version. The only thing it’s missing is a finale where the main character becomes The Rocketeer for no plausible reason. In the end, the two men get locked in a room (apparently they can’t call for help because “cell phones don’t work in buildings made of metal”) and must work out their differences. Everyone becomes friends and lives happily ever after. The wife isn’t even mad that her new husband is essentially an arch villain mastermind who literally stole all the children’s Christmas toys in town. No biggie.

Oh, except it ends up that Larry’s daughter didn’t even want a Harrison doll to begin with. Larry just couldn’t read her letter to Santa due to his crippling illiteracy.

Larry defiles Christmas, makes poop jokes, confuses Scott Baio for Christian Bale, and more.

Larry “bear-knuckle” fights, threatens to shit on Santa’s lap and, thankfully, gets kicked in the nuts.

Thankfully no.

Got a sleeveless Santa suit? Buy this movie here!

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