Awfully Good: I Come in Peace + Machete Kills (Video)

Last Updated on August 2, 2021

Since Dolph Lundgren was wasted in EXPENDABLES 3, I'm putting him front and center this week.

I Come in Peace a.k.a. Dark Angel (1990)

Director: Craig R. Baxley
Stars: Dolph Lundgren, Brian Benben, Betsy Brantley

Rule-breaking cop Jack Caine is already busy taking down a group of yuppie drug dealers when an evil alien heroin enthusiast pays a visit to Earth.

Note: For God knows whatever reason, this movie was retitled DARK ANGEL on DVD, a terrible name that has nothing to do with anything in the film. It was called I COME IN PEACE when I first saw it as a kid, so that's what I'm calling it.

I COME IN PEACE is great for many reasons—the greatest of which is Mr. Dolph Lundgren. In not entirely unexpected fashion, Lundgren plays a renegade cop named Jack Caine who plays by his own rules. He goes to seedy strip clubs to "think." He disappears from his job and his girlfriend for days at a time (though neither can resist his charms when he returns). The important thing is that he gets the job done—that is until he lets his undercover partner get killed on the job. To be fair he was busy stopping a random convenience store robbery when it happened. But still… that's unacceptable on Dolph Lundgren terms.

I must break you…r heart.

The bad guys responsible are a group of rich, white collar businessman turned drug dealers who actually call themselves The White Boys. Because they're white and well-dressed, the gang is able to walk in to a police station without question and walk out with a metric ass-ton of heroin from the evidence locker. They then blow up the entire station just so there won't be any witnesses. Obviously, that's not a good thing, but when they kill Caine's partner, then they really crossed the line. Imagine if instead of Willem Dafoe, you dropped Ivan Drago in to AMERICAN PSYCHO as the guy trying to take down Patrick Bateman. That's essentially what the premise of I COME IN PEACE is.

Who can we hire as a White Boy? Skeet Ulrich!

And this easily could've been a simple movie about Dolph Lundgren hunting down douchebag Wall Street types and it would be great. But the script (allegedly rewritten by Spielberg's go-to scribe David Koepp) decides to introduce one more complication for Lundgren to deal with: extraterrestrial drug dealers. Yes, you read that correctly. A seven-foot tall Nordic alien shows up with a wrist gun that shoots compact discs. Unfortunately, these CDs don't play Huey Lewis or Phil Collins; they're engineered only to slit throats.

Xenu was a little disappointed he wasn't welcomed to Earf by Will Smith.

The alien goes on a murder spree, occasionally stopping to tear open people's shirts and pump them full of some unknown substance. (Before he does so, he recites the only human phrase he knows: "I come in peace." Perhaps they really enjoy irony on his home planet.) Of course Dolph Lundgren crosses path with the killer ET, soon discovering his ultimate plan: shooting up humans full of heroin, letting their brain release the endorphins, and then extracting the contents of their pituitary gland to create the "perfect drug" that he can take back to his planet and sell. It's a brilliant idea really, but then a second alien comes along who's an outer space cop and makes Dolph promise to stop him at any cost. At least he gives him an awesome alien gun to finish the job.

The only way Chuck Norris can get aroused.

There's plenty of other fun stuff along the way. So many great one liners and random character moments. Dolph Lundgren threatening a guy named Boner by pointing a gun to his… [ahem]. There's even an appearance by stuntman and cult legend Al Leong! Lundgren also gets a straight-laced, by-the-books FBI partner played by "Dream On" star BrianBrian Benben. Though Benben was clearly added as comic relief, Lundgren actually gets most of the film's laughs by being a total dick to his new sidekick. ("If you try to take this disc, I'm going to hit you very, very hard.")

I don't have a funny caption for this, but I took the screenshot anyways.

However, it's the ending that takes I COME IN PEACE from an enjoyable B-movie to an utter classic in my eyes. Lundgren tracks the alien down for one final showdown. And like a true badass, he tosses away his magic space gun so he can fight the visitor mano-a-alieno. (The same alien that has so far been impervious to all Earth weapons.) Though the extraterrestrial is bigger, stronger and seemingly indestructible, he's still no match for the planet’s ballsiest law enforcement officer. Lundgren injects the alien with his own heroin and yells "F*ck you, spaceman!" as he impales him on a pipe. He then grabs his special gun, charges it to full power, and delivers what I consider to be one of the greatest one liners ever committed to film:

Alien: "I come in peace."
Dolph Lundgren: "And you go in pieces, asshole."
[dead alien carcass explosion]

Do yourself a favor and watch this movie.

So many outstanding one liners.

The best alien kills and the final fight between Dolph Lundgren and ET.

Dolph Lundgren goes to a strip club to "think." I "think" I saw some boobies.

Go in pieces. Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time: