Awfully Good: Hellraiser: Revelations

October 10th 2012, 1:32am

Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)

Director: Victor Garcia
Stars:Steven Brand, Nick Eversman, Tracey Fairaway

A couple of horny young dudes go to Mexico and find a gateway to Hell. Makes sesnse.

HELLRAISER: REVELATIONS is one of the worst things ever. Not just in execution or concept, but in purpose. In 2010, the Weinsteins realized they were weeks away from losing the rights to the HELLRAISER franchise, which they’d already run in to the ground with FOUR previous direct-to-DVD sequels. (Featuring such quality-inspiring subtitles as HELLRAISER: DEADER, HELLSEEKER and HELLWORLD.) So, much like the infamous 1994 Roger Corman FANTASTIC FOUR movie that was never released, the brothers rushed a clearly subpar script in to production, threw a few dollars at it and sacrificed poor Pinhead so they could keep the rights for the inevitable HELLRAISER reboot. It’s a move based completely on greed by people who care more about business than movies.

When “Take Your Son To Work” Day becomes really awkward.

Regardless of its intentions, REVELATIONS is the ninth, yes NINTH, HELLRAISER movie. In a perfect world, you have to come up with a pretty good story to justify returning to the well that many times. Unfortunately, we live in the darkest, most disappointing timeline—one where someone blatantly made a HELLRAISER flick out of a recycled family soap-opera so bad it wouldn’t get greenlighted on The CW. You have a blank check with a gateway to Hell, cool monsters, sadomasochistic torture and human drama. So of course the entire movie takes place in a house where two grieving couples bicker and argue about nothing in particular. That’s exciting! Oh, and did I mention HELLRAISER: REVELATIONS is so clever that the two families are the Cravens and the Bradleys.

Go f*ck yourself, movie.

The remake of FACE/OFF went for a more literal approach.

If you were hoping at least for some cool moments of violence or gore in this horror film—shocker, REVELATIONS is too boring and pointless even for that. Aside from a skinless dude and some subpar (by MACGRUBER standards) throat rips, 98% of the film is just people talking. The writing is terrible, with most of the dialogue consisting of characters stating the obvious or simply narrating what’s happening around them, but the acting is even worse. I’m not exactly sure if the actors all came from the same community theater or if they were bussed in from different venues, but their performances are probably being used in actual Hell to torture murderers and Weinstein Company employees. And with an 11 day shooting schedule and a $300,000 budget, I’ll let you imagine the production value. (Apparently you need $300,001 to afford proper set lighting.)

Classic MacGruber!

Understandably, actor Doug Bradley didn’t want to return as everyone’s favorite pointy-domed villain this time out. And when the guy who agreed to star in the video game-centric HELLRAISER: HELLWORLD turns down your new movie, it might be time to pull the plug. You definitely shouldn’t just write off the character and recast him with his complete visual opposite. But that’s exactly what the filmmakers of this diarrhea puzzle box did. Pinhead is in the movie for maybe 4 minutes and his new redesign make him look like a baby that’s always about to pass gas. (Just look at that DVD cover. It’s basically an ad for TurboLax.) In one fell cameo Pinhead goes from menacing hellspawn to pathetic goth dad.

Thanks GasX!

I wish I could say that all this legitimate badness made for a few laughs, but that’s sadly not the case. The closest I came to smiling was when a guy’s face gets sliced off and his friend repeatedly screams, “Get me some towels!”—as if that’s standard First Aid procedure for suddenly missing headskin. The rest of the film is bad melodrama interspersed with mind-numbing stupidity, like a family thinking their son is acting a bit odd and immediately accepting the conclusion that it’s someone else wearing his skin. And at barely 75 minutes, HELLRAISER REVELATIONS is still dreadfully long and a challenge to get through. It even makes killing hookers seem boring.

By turning off this movie and burning it?

Here’s a sample of the caliber (or lack) of writing/acting you can expect.

Dead hookers, random skinless guys and TOWELS! (NSFW)

It’s Naked Asian Hooker Day!

Had a revelation that you hate yourself? Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time: