With SONIC THE HEDGEHOG making big bucks at the box office last weekend, it seems like a good time to check out a video game movie that was a lot less impressive…
Director: James Yukich
Stars: Mark Dacascos, Scott Wolf, Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano
Two brothers must protect the sacred Double Dragon medallion from giving evil Robert Patrick powers that make him change form and become invincible. Wait a minute…
At one point in DOUBLE DRAGON, one of the main characters actually kicks through a Double Dragon arcade game and destroys it. If that’s not an unbelievably apt metaphor for this video game adaptation, then I don’t know what is.
This is so meta, I don’t know if it’s awful or good. Cannot compute…
For anyone not born in the previous century, Double Dragon was a popular arcade and Nintendo game in the late 1980s. There’s not much story to it—two brothers side-scroll through multiple levels of bad guys to rescue the kidnapped woman they (both?) love—so of course it’s perfect for a cinematic adaptation.
And nothing says 90s action movie like the dual star power of both Mark Dacascos AND Scott Wolf. Dacascos I can see. The man is an actual skilled martial artist who’d already had a couple fighting flicks under his belt. But the guy from Party of Five? Out of all the people in the world to headline a movie where the fights are supposed to be the main draw, you choose… Scott Wolf? (I’m not even going to mention the fact that his character is supposed to be at least part Asian.)
To absolutely no one’s surprise, no part of you will believe that Scott Wolf can hold his own when it comes to the action scenes. In fact, outside of the shots where it’s clearly a stunt double doing the literal legwork, the filmmakers instead opt to have his character constantly cheat and rely on other gags. This is how pretty much every fight scene plays out: Mark Dacascos doing real choreographed fights and actual stunt work. CUT TO Scott Wolf throwing basketballs at people, jumping on their backs and giving them noogies, and even doing the “What’s that behind you?” fakeout so he can run away. The script attempts to explain this away as his character just being a jokester hothead who doesn’t play by the rules, but we all know the real reason, Scott.
Only in the 1990s could someone at a studio look at this and say, “Put this in theaters now!”
Dacascos and Wolf play Jimmy and Billy Lee, a last name which the film repeatedly uses for a lame recurring gag about their nicknames being Ugh (Lee) and Home (Lee). Here’s what we know about the brothers: they live at home with their mom (who disturbingly looks so young I assumed she was one of their girlfriends for the first 10 minutes), they drive a souped-up station wagon called the Dragon Wagon that apparently runs on paper, and at least half of them can fight.
Jimmy and Billy also live in a dystopian future version of Los Angeles where earthquakes have ravaged the city and gangs have made a deal with police to run amok at night unchecked ala THE PURGE. Even more terrifying is the fact that the local news is run by Vanna White, George Hamilton and Andy Dick, all playing themselves.
Want to feel old? This far-off nightmare vision of the future takes place in 2007—thirteen years ago.
a.k.a. We couldn’t be bothered to look up the name of an actual place in China
The gangs aspect of the movie was clearly ripped off from influenced by THE WARRIORS. The various groups of supposed criminals are laughably confusing, including overweight middle aged schoolboys, leather-clad bikers that ride BMX bikes instead of motorcycles, suicidal postmen, crazy mimes, and Michael Berryman. There’s no rhyme or reason to how they’re organized or even what they wear. Most of their outfits just look like whatever the costume department had lying around.
A bleached-blonde Alyssa Milano is the leader of the most feared gang in the city. They call themselves the Power Corps and they’re comprised of upper middle class white kids in colorful denim who look like they just came from summer camp. I’m not joking. It’s maybe the most embarrassing thing in a movie filled with embarrassing things. At least Milano’s character is not the kidnapped damsel in distress from the video game. Instead, she fights alongside the brothers and actually rescues them more than once. Who knew DOUBLE DRAGON was so progressive?
This is supposed to be a dangerous gang? Maybe in Utah.
In an attempt to give the film some semblance of plot compared to its source material (with a story credited to Batman: The Animated Series’ Paul Dini, no less!), the title actually refers to a mystical medallion called the Double Dragon, which was split in to two pieces to keep someone from yielding it’s full potential—power over the body (invincibility) and power over the soul (you become a shadow ghost). Instead of going after bad guys to rescue their girlfriend like in the game, the Lee brothers are on the run from Robert Patrick to keep him from gaining the second half of the medallion.
And if there’s a reason to watch this movie, its 100% Robert Patrick. Hot off playing the T-1000 in TERMINATOR 2, Patrick plays another memorable villain in DOUBLE DRAGON, an evil businessman named Koga Shuko who uses his bad hair and comically oversized suit to control all crime in New Angeles. Patrick is completely unhinged in the role, imbuing Shuko with memorable quirks, like being afraid of sunlight if he’s not wearing his cool sunglasses, and relishing great bad guy lines like, “I just want total domination of one major American City! Is that too much to ask for? IS IT?!” Patrick is so good you may end up rooting for him in the end, especially at the thought of him getting his ass kicked by Scott Wolf.
Also, quick shoutout to Al Leong, the legendary stuntman and Asian-bad-guy-from-every-movie who plays one of Shuko’s henchmen. Anytime this guy shows up in a film, you know you’re in for a good time.
Costume design by Randy’s Big and Tall Depot.
I’m not going to defend DOUBLE DRAGON as some unfairly maligned gem. The fights and the acting are amusingly amateurish throughout The script is cheesy and head-scratching at the same time. Pretty much all the decisions made had aged poorly by the time it was even released. Hell, it’s the kind of movie where people repeatedly react to something by pausing, looking at each other, and then screaming. (This happens constantly.)
This is part of the drinking game. Good luck.
But that’s not to say the movie doesn’t have memorable moments. There’s a car chase that utilizes perfectly fine Mad Max-style vehicles that’s completely ruined by turning it in to a virtual reality sequence with Sega Genesis-caliber graphics. There’s a boat chase which ends with a massive explosion that sets an entire river on fire that seems like it was wildly unsafe to film. And of course who could forget Bo Abobo (actual name), a mohawked gang leader who is subjected to “submolecular steroids” that leaves him looking like a ‘roided out testicle come to life. I use hyperbole in this column quite a bit, but Abobo may truly be the worst creature design in a major theatrical release. Even more baffling is that the film actually gives this character more of an arc than literally anyone else. He goes from trying to kill the good guys to being force fed spinach by Alyssa Milano until he farts to a poignant scene where he looks in the mirror and sees what his life of crime has cost him (looking like a nuclear gonad) and decides to become a good guy. It’s truly a sight to behold.
“Can we design a villain where absolutely every part of his visible body looks like veiny man balls?” -Someone who worked on this movie
For any Double Dragon fans that care about this sort of thing, the Lee brothers do eventually take on their personas from the video game. Unfortunately, that ends up being sparkly sversion of their costumes and they only wear it for the very final part of their very final fight, in literally the last five minutes of the film. But hey, at least its more faithful than the 1993 SUPER MARIOS BROS. movie!
Alyssa Milano wears short shorts.
No, seriously. That’s a real line from this movie. Buy it here!
Take a shot or drink every time:
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Thanks to Jesse, Ben and Ste for suggesting this week’s movie!
Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.
FOR ANOTHER AWFULLY GOOD TAKE – CHECK THIS OUT!