Ice Cube may be STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON this week, but there's another ice-themed rapper who's straight outta your nightmares…
Director: David Kellogg
Stars: Vanilla Ice, Kristin Minter, Michael Gross
When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice.*
*The actual tagline for this movie.
Have you ever watched REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE and thought, "Man, if only James Dean dressed like a moron and acted like an even bigger moron?" Good news! COOL AS ICE is the cinematic experience for you.
Yes, this is THAT Janusz Kaminski: Steven Spielberg's go-to cinematographer who won an Oscar for SCHINDLER'S LIST and SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.
It should comes as no surprise that the Vanilla Ice movie is terrible. But even with these expectations, you may still be shocked to discover just how truly, amazingly bad COOL AS ICE gets. There were no good decisions made during the production of this film. Literally zero. I defy anyone to find something positive in this horrifying love story that was done on purpose. It's truly an impressive accomplishment. (Especially since director David Kellogg only has two non-Playboy related credits on his filmography—this and the Matthew Broderick INSPECTOR GADGET movie.)
Vanilla Ice aka Robert Van Winkle stars as Johnny Van Owen, a rapper bestowed by God with the dopest jacket in existence. Hand-sewn by angels, the garment boasts such amazing words and phrases as "Danger," "Down By Law," Hype," "Lust", "Ah, Yeah!," and of course "Sex Me Up." This jacket plastered with random jargon is the closest thing you're going to get to characterization with Vanilla Ice's character, but it's all you need.
If you're interested, I have a petition to have this jacket featured in the Smithsonian. Let me know.
As the movie starts, Ice is driving his motorcycle through a small town with his posse of equally ridiculously-dressed friends, when he spots a girl riding a horse in a field. Wanting to impress her (and being a mental defective), the gentlemen rapper jumps his bike over the fence and in to the field, terrifying the horse and causing it to throw the poor girl to the ground. This may seem like an odd and dangerous way to meet a potential love interest, but THAT'S JUST HOW VANILLA ICE FLIRTS. In fact, he seems completely baffled that she is in any way upset about nearly being killed.
Though they set up ideas for a sequel, thankfully SON OF VANILLA ICE was never greenlighted.
When his homeboy's bike breaks down, Vanilla Ice meets a random elderly couple in the suburbs who claim they can fix it. His entire gang proceeds to move in to their house for the remainder of the movie. (In a montage, we see them make a peanut butter, pickle, sardine and pineapple sandwich—just one of the countless random, unexplainable moments in this movie.) Ice is breakdancing by himself outside of their house (this is what he does) when he sees that their new neighbor is actually Kat, the girl he almost killed via vehicular-horse manslaughter. He announces to all his friends that he's going to "schling a schlong" at the "chick who drives the horse." (<– Actual dialogue) He then proceeds to approach Kat and her boyfriend and proudly declare, "Drop that zero and get with the hero!" And if that rhyme wasn't embarrassing enough, he later shows up at their white people dance club and assaults Kat with his gyrations and funky rhymes. Again, THIS IS HOW VANILLA ICE FLIRTS.
Dr. Seuss' original working title of GREEN EGGS AND SALT didn't have the same ring to it.
Just when you thought this reign of rapping white terror couldn't get any worse, the next morning Vanilla Ice breaks in to Kat's room while she's sleeping, gets in to bed with her, and shoves an ice cube in to her open mouth. It's so ridiculous you assume it’s a bad dream sequence. Nope, it's real—THAT'S JUST HOW VANILLA ICE FLIRTS. However, instead of recoiling in horror and calling the cops, Kat instead finds this personal violation charming and agrees to go on a date with Ice. Together the pair have the most magical day ever. At least that's what the unending romantic montages would have you believe. You get to see them ride bikes, chase each other through an active constructions site, spray each other with a hose, frolic through a field, and my personal favorite—Kat helps Vanilla Ice attempt to figure out what a horse is. In between each of these unnecessarily long sequences, you're privy to their deep conversations that cement there love. Like Vanilla Ice asking her, in all seriousness, "What's it like having parents and a brother?" Truly one of the great love stories of our time.
"Why won't you collaborate and listen, Horse?"
While there's plenty of plot already, COOL AS ICE has more on its mind than just an epic romance. It also has a D-grade thriller subplot that nobody asked for. Around the same time Vanilla Ice shows up, Kat's dad (Michael Gross from TREMORS and Family Ties) reveals to his daughter that her entire life was a lie. See, her dad used to be on the police force and testified against some crooked cops. They've been in witness protection for her entire life and even her last name isn't real. After seeing Kat and her dad on the local news (guess they didn't go very far under witness protection), the dirty cops are now coming for their family. If you guessed that Vanilla Ice would finally gain the respect and trust of Kat's disapproving father by singlehandedly taking out the cops and saving all of their lives, then… congratulations, you've seen a movie before. And in the end, Kat swears off her future at college and her safe, waspy life to run away with Vanilla Ice, riding on the back of a motorcycle as he does stunts while neither of them wears a helmet.
In case you're wondering what this man is up to, his last credits include hosting the HGTV shows The Vanilla Ice Project and Vanilla Ice Goes Amish.
Romance and passion, danger and excitement, hilariously bad fashion and an even worse 90s rap soundtrack—is there anything COOL AS ICE can't do?
The complete and utter nonsense that is Vanilla Ice's dialogue in this film.
Motorcycle vs horse, Vanilla Ice "performing," and some truly bizarre montage sequences you have to see to believe.
Kat starts to get undressed, but is interrupted by her little brother who could sense that she was "making sex."
Yo, VIP, let's kick it! Buy this movie here!
Take a shot or drink every time:
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Thanks to James and Rogelio for suggesting this week's movie!
Hold up! We've got one more Awfully Good for you this week! After last week's debut of the new FANTASTIC FOUR, Awfully Good Movies host Jesse Shade took a look back at their last cinematic outing, FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER, just to see how it holds up today, especially in light of the recently released flicks poorly received reviews. Settle in and watch out for the Galactus fart cloud!
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