Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz aren’t the only amateurs who’ve had sex on tape…
Director: Tom Brady
Stars: Nick Swardson, Christina Ricci, Don Johnson
The touching story of a man whose big heart overcame his micropenis to become the world’s biggest adult film star.
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR opens with helicopter footage of Midwest farm country; just your basic cinematic establishing shots. Then it introduces the audience to a farmer slathering his privates with peanut butter and letting his herd of goats go to town on him. There’s no other gag, explanation or follow-up to turn this in to anything resembling a joke. It’s just bestiality for the sake of it. It’s also exactly the level of comedy at which this cinematic dumpster baby operates.
FACT: Somebody actually has to see this when they’re having sex with Nick Swardson.
“A wacky idiot becomes a porn star!” That’s the logline and it’s also all the plot you’re going to get with BUCKY LARSON. Nick Swardson, a comedian famous for being friends with Adam Sandler and awkwardly shoehorned in to all his movies, plays the title character—a weirdo with comically large buck teeth, a Prince Valiant haircut and a penchant for the band Hanson. He’s best friends with his well-to-do parents and lives a sheltered life. How sheltered? One night he goes to a neighbor’s house where they’re about to put on adult film. Not only does Bucky (who is easily in his mid-20s) not know what sex is, but he also doesn’t know what masturbation is. When his weirdo friends hear this, they do the natural thing—turn on a black light and coach Bucky through his first self-pleasuring experience. It’s exactly as creepy as it sounds.
Key & Swardson was 50% worse than Key & Peele.
While he’s busy roughly punching himself in the scrote, Bucky’s friends notice something odd: the performers on screen are his parents. Turns out Bucky’s clean-cut folks were at one time the most popular porn stars in the world, Rosie Bush and Jim Spraysium. (Never thought I would see the dad from “Gilmore Girls” starring in movies called FARMER IN THE SMELL or WELCOME TO THE STINK.) When Bucky realizes this, he becomes so enamored with the fact that he’s related to someone famous that he completely ignores the fact that he’s watching his own parents humping on camera. He immediately returns home and announces that—despite his never having achieved orgasm or an understanding of how human reproductive organs work—he will move out to Hollywood to find his destiny and become a porn star. His parents clearly suffer from the same genetic mental deficiency and allow this to happen.
The live-action WRECK IT RALPH made some weird casting decisions.
Bucky gets out to the West Coast and then… OH GOD, CHRISTINA RICCI IS IN THIS. What mortal sin did she commit that she had to sign on to this movie? Ricci plays a waitress with a debilitating fear of large trays. That’s her character. Really. She also must be a complete moron like everyone else in this movie, because she somehow falls in love with the creepy guy who wants to be a famous porn star and lives outside in her bushes. Kevin Nealon stars as Bucky’s eventual roommate, a man who yells a lot for no reason. And Sandler staple (and Swardson’s GRANDMA’S BOY co-star) Allen Covert also appears as the owner of a local sex shop who has a robot that screams “FART IN MY MOUTH!” I wish I was making this all up, but it really exists in the world.
Mirror, mirror on the wall; who’s the most uneven couple of them all?
I’ll reiterate this again: Bucky Larson has never had sex with another person (or himself), yet expects to get a starring job in the adult industry. In fact, he thinks that all Hollywood acting is pornographic because apparently he’s never seen any entertainment in his entire life, aside from the five minutes of porno he watched the previous week. He goes to audition for a commercial, and instead of reading his lines, pulls down his pants and starts jacking it while sticking a thumb up his ass. Because this is Los Angeles, not only does this not get him arrested, but he makes a friend with connections in the porn world.
Don Johnson clearly regrets divorcing Melanie Griffith.
Eventually Bucky meets a washed-up porn director (played by a clearly embarrassed Don Johnson) who actually gives him a chance on-camera. It turns out the poor guy has the world’s smallest penis (and the planet’s biggest pube fro). To top it off, when he sees a girl in a bra for the first time he prematurely ejaculates. EVERYWHERE. TWICE. However, the video gets uploaded to YouPube.net and Bucky immediately becomes a star—men love him because he makes them look big by comparison and women are just thankful their partners aren’t that pathetic. He goes on to sweep the Adult Film Awards, creating a nemesis in Stephen Dorff’s rival porn star Dick Shadow. When he loses to Bucky for Best Taint of the Year, Dick Shadow gets to use his catchphrase: “Nothing grows in my cock shade. Nothing.”
Keebler elves are a lot more terrifying in person.
And it goes on from there. If BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR sounds like one of the dumbest, unfunniest comedies ever made, that’s because it is. I can confidently say that it’s the worst Happy Madison movie (writing credit goes to Swardson, Sandler and Covert) and I’ve sat through JACK AND JILL.
More eye-rolling one liners and sexual euphemisms than you can shake a dick at.
Awkward masturbation, premature ejaculation, bad whistling and other things this movie considers funny. (NSFW)
A couple porn star boobs help ease the pain of Bucky’s naked penis and ass.
Be worse than Rob Schneider! Buy this movie here!
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Thanks to Chris for suggesting this week’s movie!
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