Awfully Good: Big Stan + Half Past Dead (Video)

GET HARD is really funny, but it definitely felt familiar. Time to revisit…

Big Stan (2007)

Director: Rob Schneider
Stars:

Rob Schneider is going to prison to be raped. Derp derp derp derpity derp

Seeing as he's credited as star, producer and director, Rob Schneider has no one but Rob Schneider to blame for BIG STAN. Using what little recognizability and ~~goodwill~~ mediocrewill he gets from being friends with Adam Sandler, Schneider has made a vanity project that's more of an excuse to show off his newfound martial arts skills than a vehicle for actual comedy.

And that was the last time anyone defended SURF NINJAS.

In a plot that even BFF Sandler wouldn't touch, BIG STAN is about a man who doesn't want to get raped. Granted, that's something we can as humans all relate to, but this film takes buttf*cking to a new level even Kenny Powers couldn't comprehend. It's like THE ACCUSED, but as a comedy. (Or "comedy.") You see, the title character is arrested for scamming old people with bogus time shares and gets sentenced to 3-5 years in a federal PMITA prison. Immediately Stan becomes obsessed with the notion of forced prison buttsex and not having it done to him. Under the pretense of "teaching music to retarded children," he somehow gets a six month delay before reporting to jail—which he devotes entirely to the study of rape.

Oh, so that's where he keeps his "talent."

Instead of spending what little time he has left with his hot, loving wife, Stan goes to gay bars to research anal sex. He studies how to smuggle things in his ass. And in the most logical of leaps, instead of having consensual heterosexual sex with his spouse, Stan asks his wife to anally penetrate him with a large black dildo so his "first time" can be with someone he loves. (He also runs in their bedroom one night and tells her that a group of men have broken in to violently rape her. After she freaks out, he admits he was just lying so she can understand what he's going through.) Eventually Stan hooks up with The Master, a martial arts guru posing as a homeless man played by David Carradine. The Master teaches our hero how to defend himself from would-be rapists by making him eat scorpions and ox pancreas.

This is how I choose to remember David Carradine. Not as some perv who accidentally asphyxiated himself, but as a great man who beat Rob Schneider with a flaming stick.

And that’s only the first half of the movie! Once Stan reports to prison, the film shifts from being a comedy—at least that's what the long stretches of jokelessness would indicate—to a martial arts movie starring Rob Schneider. I'm not sure who exactly told Deuce Bigalow he could pull off Jackie Chan, but they clearly were suffering from some mental deficiency caused by watching THE ANIMAL one too many times. We get to watch Schneider engage in embarrassingly slow, poorly choreographed kung fu as he beats up everyone at the prison that would potentially violate his butthole, often times using "tools" around him like janitorial equipment or nunchucks made of soap.

After the Governor helped fake his death, Hershel finally got the live the life he always dreamed of.

You're probably thinking, 'Wow, that sounds unbelievably terrible.' But, oh, BIG STAN somehow gets much worse. After he's taken out all would-be anal threats, Stan turns in to a spiritual guru and the prison becomes his own hippie commune. He throws away all violent video games, movies and music, teaches everyone how to salsa dance, and bans all non-consensual gay sex. Soon all the inmates are hugging each other and sharing popsicles because kung fu master Rob Schneider told them to. It's not long after that Stan learns he too has been selfish and needs to treat his wife better. (He realizes this in a serious scene where elderly "Laugh In" star Henry Gibson talks about how his alcoholism killed his Asian wife.) There's also a subplot where the warden wants to turn the prison in to a condo, forcing Stan to choose between the peaceful penal (hehe) society he’s created and getting parole. I won't spoil how it all ends, but it involves men in jail and choreographed Latin dance. It's so horrible you'll be begging for another bad rape joke.

I know this purple nurple is ridiculously fake, but it suggests Rob Schneider is in pain so I choose to believe.

Amazingly, people actually read all of this on paper and still signed on to be in the movie. People like David Carradine (DINOCROC), Jennifer Morrison ("House"), Randy Couture, Scott Wilson (Herschel from "The Walking Dead"), M. Emmet Walsh, Brandon T. Jackson (BIG MOMMAS), Richard Kind, and TWILIGHT nadir Jackson Rathbone. Even Rob Schneider’s mom is in this—a movie where her son tells an elderly woman he's half black and wants to bend her over a table so that she may enjoy some, uh, N-word C-word. She must be so proud.

I don't know what's happening in this picture, but it's the only good thing to come out of this movie.

A bunch of jokes about rape. And some other unspeakable stuff.

Good news: Rob Schneider has heard your suggestions that he go shove it up his ass! That and Deuce Bigelow kung fu, anus beauty, and dancing.

This movie has Jennifer Morrison in a sex swing, but the only nudity you get is some old chubby lady’s boobs. Damn you, Rob Schneider!

Not hard yet? Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time:

Rob Schneider talks about rape

Double shot if:

Someone gets a broken finger

Thanks to Eric and Bryan for suggesting this week's movie!

But wait! Your sentence has been extended! We've got a new Awfully Good Movies video edition, this time featuring the Steven Seagal and Ja Rule masterwork known only as HALF PAST DEAD! Kick back in your cell and find out just how bad prison life is with the ol' ponytail. Don't drop the soap!