Only losers go to the EDGE OF TOMORROW. Real heroes jump right in to the…
Age of Tomorrow (2014)
Director: James Kondelik
Stars: Kelly Hu, Robert Picardo, Lane Townsend
Aliens attack Earth and begin hording humans because their planet is dying due to—oh, who cares… this firefighter needs to save his daughter!
Making one of The Asylum's patented "mockbusters" must be a tough gig. There's no easy way to copy something that doesn't even exist yet. Perhaps that's why AGE OF TOMORROW actually only has two things in common with Doug Liman's Tom Cruise-starring EDGE OF TOMORROW: humans and aliens.
"I thought you said you just wanted to ax me a questi—ohhh, now I get it." – The Alien
For the first 20 minutes, I wasn't even sure The Asylum was ripping off the right movie. When the film starts, the U.S. government learns that an asteroid a quarter-size of the moon is on track to hit Earth. They pull together a team of roughneck soldiers to land on the meteor, plant some explosives and blow it to hell. Right around the time the heroes get a 30 minute crash course in how to fly a space shuttle, I thought for sure this was ARMAGEDDON REDUX and I'd made a huge mistake. However, once they arrive on the hurtling space rock and secret caves and holograms, it's clear… "This isn't an asteroid!"
"Which of these wormholes gets me in to DAYS OF FUTURE PAST?"
From there on out, AGE OF TOMORROW turns in to a mix of PROMETHEUS and GENERIC ALIEN INVASION MOVIE. As soon as it's clear that the asteroid is actually a mothership containing thousands of smaller alien attack vessels, all hell breaks loose. Amidst the chaos, Kelly Hu (X2, THE SCORPION KING) somehow immediately recognizes that the ships' death rays aren't vaporizing people but instead teleporting them—and jumps through a wormhole. (I'm guessing this is where the film was supposed to connect to EDGE OF TOMORROW, but with teleportation instead of time travel.) Soon everyone finds themselves on the alien's color-corrected home planet. No one is sure where it is exactly, but thank God they just happen to be a carrying a device that boosts their radio signal so they can send an SOS message from across the galaxy. (Hu also takes her helmet, guessing that the air would be breathable. Perhaps she saw it in PROMETHEUS.) The rest of the film follows the team as they go on a "rescue mission," which in this case means wandering around an alien military facility on a planet they know nothing about. You can guess how that ends up.
Terry and Steve had the best SUPER MARIO BROS "We're merging!" cosplay ever.
The film also tells the story of the world's greatest firefighter and his heroic quest to save his teenage daughter. While the military rescue team is making poor decisions somewhere across the galaxy, Earth is being attacked by alien ships, which are just flying loudspeakers that shoot lasers. Armed with a nailgun, a crowbar and an axe, Fireman Chris and his team ride around in the back of a pick-up truck kicking extraterrestrial ass like every video game ever made. Our hero is also able to devise a massive alien-killing bomb using a cell phone and a fire extinguisher. To detonate it he actually texts SCREW YOU to the aliens.
"Stew You." Damn you, auto correct!
Through sheer happenstance and shoddy storytelling, Chris the Fireman somehow stumbles on to a military base and becomes the leader of our nation's military forces. The General (played by Robert Picardo from Star Trek: Voyager and this scene from INNERSPACE.) sends Chris and a small group of soldiers to rescue his daughter and kill the aliens once and for all. My favorite part of the movie is when his kid is in no way surprised to see her civilian father on an alien planet.
When Bryan Cranston recently said Walter White might not be dead, nobody expected him to come back a cyborg.
Yes, it's an Asylum movie so there's essentially no budget, but everything happens on such a small scale it's still laughable. The aliens have only abducted 4 or 5 people. The "greatest assault in history" involves maybe 7 soldiers total. And the military sends in Chris "heavily armed" to fight the aliens, which means they give him an ax. The aliens themselves are guys in suits with their faces wisely hidden; however, the alien queen is actually a pretty cool and unique design. Too bad she's only seen in literally one shot of the movie. Former Lady Deathstrike Kelly Hu is the biggest name here, but also doesn't have much of a part. She clearly studied at the William Shatner School of Line Delivery though, continuously pausing mid-sentence as if she can't remember her lines. "If there are passages… maybe there are things that can….uh, lead to this thing's… epicenter."
Take a shot every time you see this face. Hope you enjoy being drunk.
From the co-director of AIRPLANE VS VOLCANO, AGE OF TOMORROW is middle-of-the-road in terms of the Asylum films—it isn't bad, but it isn't amazingly bad either. I did enjoy how bleak it was, especially given its hopeful-sounding title. Director James Kondelik isn't afraid of a high body count and for that I'm thankful.
"Let's bring the heat." – A firefighter
"One asteroid root canal coming right up, Captain."
"I can't see anything."
"That’s because you're under a truck."
"Dad, what are these things?"
"Dead, because I'm coming to get you."
"I'm going to get my daughter."
[two firefighters off to the side]"His daughter is not worth it."
"She's not that cute."
"Now we're even." [immediately gets head blown off]
"This is a struggle for all mankind to survive. And we will. We will survive. Now and forever. And the universe will know that this… this is our world!"
The firefighter rescues a woman from a burning building by jumping out of it as it explodes, landing on a car on top of her, and then dropping her to the ground.
The firefighter uses the butt of an ax as a bat to play baseball with a grenade.
The hero dives out of the way of an alien grenade, leaving two of his teammates to explode without any warning.
The most spiteful text message ever.
Before blowing up their mothership, the General says "Welcome to oblivion." Hey, that's the name of another Tom Cruise movie!
Unfortunately the alien queen doesn't look anything like Natasha Henstridge in SPECIES.
Still better than THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW. Buy this movie here!
Take a shot or drink every time:
Double shot whenever:
BONUS!! Check out our first iteration of Awfully Good: The Video Edition where we take a look at the 1996 comedy dud SNOWBOARD ACADEMY!
Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email or follow him on Twitter and give him an excuse to drink.