Awfully Good: Absolution

The bargain DVD bin at your local Wal-Mart or Best Buy can be a treasure trove of Awfully Good titles, as long as you know what to look for. A sci-fi movie starring Mario Lopez, Jaime Pressly and Richard Grieco is something to look for.

Absolution (1997)

Director: David DeCoteau
Stars: Mario Lopez, Richard Grieco, Jaime Pressly

Is there a plot?

In a bleak future where an asteroid has decimated Earth and the wearing of shirts is apparently outlawed, only A.C. Slater can stop Richard Grieco from taking over New America!

What’s the damage?

ABSOLUTION is perhaps the gayest sci-fi film ever made. And I’m not using that term in a derogatory sense; it’s literally more homoerotic than any movie we’ve encountered in this column, intentional or not. Imagine if Calvin Klein directed a commercial starring the shirtless wolfpack from TWILIGHT. That’s ABSOLUTION. The movie where the military cadets’ costumes consist solely of skintight boxer briefs and their war-hardened bodies always just happen to be wet and glistening. It’s a 95 minute excuse to have a bunch of hunky guys half naked in close quarters, working out at the gym or hanging out in the locker room.

“I don’t care if you look. Just please don’t imprint on me.”

And this is not some slight homosexual subtext like with FREDDY’S REVENGE or SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO. There’s major scenes of dialogue that get distracted by bulging crotches centered in frame, as well as lingering slow motion shots where the men’s barely sheathed packages swing about. (Imagine if this was shot in 3D!) And then there’s the part where our hero actually fondles a man’s crotch rather unnecessarily in order to escape from jail.

C’mon, there’s nothing gay about this. It’s just taken out of context.

It all stars Mario Lopez (a.k.a. A.C. Slater from “Saved by the Bell”) and this time he’s a long way from Bayside. It’s been 30 years since Earth was devastated by a giant asteroid and the only human survivors live in the Arctic in a colony called New America. Slater plays Ryan Murphy (no, not the asshole who created “Glee”), a new recruit to the military’s top training facility, Fullerton. Playing to ABSOLUTION’s overriding theme, Murphy is not your average male. He refuses to take part in military traditions, is scared of using real guns, and only likes girls for their minds. He also throws sand in people’s eyes when he’s fighting.

Uh, this one too.

A.C. Slater has been sent to Fullerton to investigate the commanding officer, played by Richard Grieco, whose tyrannical rule over Fullerton is mighty suspicious. (In case it’s not glaringly obvious, ABSOLUTION is essentially APOCALYPSE NOW with Richard Grieco instead of Marlon Brando.) Grieco yells and scowls his way through this movie, while at the same time saying things like “For the love of Pete!” and obsessing over Lee Harvey Oswald and Marilyn Monroe. There’s also a scene where he cries and smells Slater’s underwear.

Okay, well…

The only other recognizable name here is a young Jaime Pressly, who plays a former space hooker with a heart of gold. Her presence in this movie is bizarre and random, and seems only to exist as a red herring to all the homoerotic stuff. (“Wow, this is kind of a sausage fest. Bring me the nearest girl and let’s put her in the movie naked!”) Pressly’s superfluous sex scene with Slater is one of the lamest and slowest in movie history and it goes on for a very awkward three minutes. The two B-list stars ride each other with their underwear still on and then he just kinda lays on top of her naked. It’s really more cuddling then coitus.

Nobody speaks ill of Mark-Paul Gosselaar in this house!

As for the film itself, it’s what you expect from the director of SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA. The plot is cookie cutter (Grieco is actually an alien preparing Earth for an invasion. Shocker!), the script is laughable and it all looks really, really cheap. The sets are almost bare, the costumes consist of Fruit of the Loom and rollerblading gear, and the big super soldier machine is just one of those gyroscope rides covered in aluminum foil. Even worse, nothing happens for most of the movie. The characters just stand around shirtless talking for 80 of the 95 minutes, until a magical interdimensional alien appears to explain everything. I guess that counts as science fiction.

“Best” Line

Richard Grieco talks about things he hates, going full force, and your mama’s cootchie.

“Best” Parts

1) Some of the film’s gayest moments. I hope you like tighty whities.

2) On the other end of the spectrum, here’s Jaime Pressly naked in her sex scene with A.C. Slater.

3) One of the film’s laughably bad action sequences. Also, Richard Grieco bends a gun.

Nudity Watch

It’s a buffet for everyone! Girls can enjoy the plethora of beefcake on display (as well as a brief glimpse of Mario Lopez’s rear end). The guys get Jaime Pressly and friend topless.