Top 10 Dumb Chick Victims (2/2)

Last Updated on July 28, 2021

Written
by: Serena Whitney:
With the upcoming release of the slasher flick
House of Wax, I
thought I would make a top ten list out of the one thing that annoys me the most
while watching one of these movies; the brainless and helpless girls that
inhabit them (read Part 1 here).

Granted, if you’re watching these movies at home with your friends, and
playing drinking games with rules such as: Take two shots if a girl is running
away from a killer without a top, or take 3 shots if a girl trips on her
stilettos and twists her ankle, then watching these girls can be quite fun.

But, if you paid a lot of money to see one of these movies in a theatre, and
you’re sitting there sober, appalled, and ashamed of your gender, then watching
these girls are not so fun. Now I’m sure there are plenty more girls I could
have chosen for this list, (In this genre they’re a dime a dozen) but these are
the few that caused me to say, “What are you f*cking crazy?!!!”

PART 2

Beware of spoilers and enjoy!

5.Sarah
Michelle Gellar- I Know What you Did Last Summer and Scream 2

I always found it quite ironic how this actress played such
a powerful woman role on a horror television show and always ended up playing
the damsel in distress in every one of her roles in a horror movie. In I Know
What You Did Last Summer, I was more upset about the demise of the Crocker
Queen, because she wasn’t helpless. This girl went through a lot! She broke out
of a cop car, ran for her life, pulled herself up a dumb waiter, jumped out of
the window of a 2-3 storey high building, literally hopped down an alley on one
good foot to get to safety, and what does she do right before she’s a few steps
from safety? She looks back. After all that crap, why the hell would you look
back???

If some psycho fisherman was chasing you, would YOU be
looking back to see if he was going to shove a huge fish hook in your face?
Yeah, I didn’t think so! I had absolutely no sympathy for SMG’s character in
Scream 2 whatsoever. This sorority girl had not one, but TWO chances to escape
her fate of being splattered on the driveway of the sorority house if she had
just let common sense sink in. If you had left your house because you were sure
someone was breaking into it, would you go back inside and try to call the
police? No, but Cici does. If your roommate had come back home for two
seconds, and you still think there is someone in your place, would you leave
with her, or would you just sneak around your house alone with only your
portable phone as a weapon clutched to your chest? (Double sigh) Let’s not even
mention “The Grudge.”

4.
Rose McGowan-Scream

Now don’t get me wrong. I really liked Tatum Riley’s
character. She was a funny and spunky girl who was a genuine and loyal friend
to Sidney Prescott. I was even impressed when she ended up kicking some
ghostface ass by tossing beer bottles at his head. I remember saying, “Finally,
a horror movie that allows blondes to have brains.” But, then I realized the
peroxide must have penetrated her brain when she tried to escape the knife
wielding psychopath by trying to fit herself through a cat door. Her chances of
getting out of that door were almost as slim as Pamela Anderson trying to
getting out of a cat door. Its movies like these that make me appreciate my
normal sized chest.

3.Linnea
Quigley- Silent Night, Deadly Night

I can’t help but laugh when I watch an 80’s slasher flick.
In slashers, the world is a place where women are walking, talking, brainless
nymphos who are usually unaware of their surrounding unless they are tomboyish
flat-chested virgins. This is the case for the 1984 X-Mas slasher, Silent
Night, Deadly Night. In this movie, we are subject to seeing yet another
teenage couple get it on.

When the female babysitter (who is not doing a good job of
that by the way) gets up and opens the front door to let her cat in from the
cold, she does so in only jean booty shorts and nothing else. (I’m sorry, was
Russ Meyer a special guest director for this film?) I don’t know ANY woman who
does that! I swear, the men who write these god awful movies are probably the
same losers who write to Penthouse on a regular basis. The day I see a horror
movie where a guy opens a door (in the dead of winter) in nothing but a
G-string, looking for his cat, I will gladly walk around naked everywhere I go.

2.
Judith O’Dey-Night of the Living Dead

“They’re coming to get you, Barbara.” Apparently not soon
enough. I was shocked to hear that in this 1968 Romero classic, Barbara’s
character is best known for portraying the “heroine” in this zombiefest. Are
you kidding me? Are you f*cking kidding me? In my eyes, she was anything but
heroic. She met all the criteria for being completely and utterly helpless.

Running away from someone trying to kill you in
ridiculously high heels? Check. Obligatory tripping and falling on your ass
while the killer gains on you? Check. Repeatedly asking the same stupid
questions such as, “What’s happening?” when it’s pretty clear if you just use
your damn eyes? Check. Going completely catatonic? Check. Crying to the point
where the audience is praying for someone or something to take you out? Check.
Sarah Conner was a heroine.

Laurie Strode and Ripley Scott were heroines. This
beeyatch is just someone who just got way too much screen time. The only
rewards we get out of being subjected to Barbara’s stupidity, is when Ben bitch
slaps her (prepare the rewind button with this scene) and when her zombie
brother FINALLY comes and gets her. THANK YOU!

1-
Patsy Pease-He Knows You’re Alone

When I mentioned this movie to my friends, they had no clue
to what I was talking about. I myself remember this 1980’s Halloween rip-off
for three reasons.

1- Tom’s Hank big screen debut-for which he is probably
ashamed to have on his filmography.

2- Kevin Williamson’s homage to this film’s opening
sequence in his own opening sequence for Scream 2. (Yes, my mind is full of
these sad trivial tid-bits)

3- The
funniest yet dumbest thing I have ever seen a woman do in horror film history.

This woman is waiting in bed for her lover, but then she
soon suspects that someone is in her house. Does she climb out of the window?
Nope. Does she attempt to make a run for it? Nope. She hides under the
sheets. Yep, he’ll never find you under there, you moron. I guess she must
have thought that since this “clever” technique worked when hiding from the
imaginary boogeyman when you’re four, it MUST work when you’re an adult. Now,
THAT is one dumb beeyatch.

READ PART 1 OF THE
TOP 10 HERE