ARROW
INTRO:
Blood and Chocolate was based
off a book, I didn’t read the book but our resident columnist SERENA WHITNEY
did. Blood and Chocolate looked like a syrupy chick flick, I’m not a chick,
SERENA WHITNEY is. So here’s Lady Serena’s review of Blood and Chocolate.

BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE

Director: Katja Von
Garnier

Starring: Agnes Bruckner
(Vivian), Oliver Martinez (Gabriel), Hugh Dancy (Aidan)

In Romania,
nineteen-year-old Vivian has been living with the secret that she is a
werewolf. When she meets and falls for graphic novel artist named Aidan,
she threatens to expose her secret as well as her family’s, causing her kin
to hunt down the man she’s in love with. Lack of howling and tons of yawning
ensues.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Cursed is officially not the worst werewolf movie ever made. After
reading the best selling novel, I was very interested in watching a movie
about a young woman dealing with her first feelings of sexual teenage lust
and bloodlust as a werewolf. Unfortunately, the movie does not follow the
premise (or entire story for that matter) that made the novel a huge hit.
Instead, the audiences are “treated” to a low budget “Underworld”
rip-off that has no bite whatsoever.

First of all, if you are a
big fan of the werewolf genre, prepare to be deeply disappointed. For me,
when I think of a werewolf, I think of a creature that is half man/ half
wolf. In this movie, the pack does not change into these creatures. They
simply turn into regular wolves. (LAME!) I then realized how low the budget
of this film was during the obligatory transformation scenes. If you’re
expecting something of Rick Baker caliber, forget it.

Instead, we get a bunch of
people leaping in the air, bursting into a bright light, and magically
turning into wolves (in the middle of the day mind you) as if they were
He-Man or a f*cking mighty morphing Power Ranger. (Where is the full moon
and where did their clothes go?) Also, Blood and Chocolate is a very
misleading title for this film, for there is hardly any blood shown on
screen. Thanks to the “oh so loved” PG-13 rating, the very few kills we get,
all take place off screen, with only a few glimpses of the aftermath.

Blood and Chocolate
focuses more on the characters and the “love story” instead of the horror.
This was the biggest negative element of this film, because besides the
great eye candy, the characters were all one note and dull, and made me wish
that a werewolf hunter with a gun full of silver bullets, (the only werewolf
myth the film stays true to) would miraculously appear on screen and put all
these “werewolves” down.

The supposed love story
between Vivian and Aidan is so forced and unbelievable. They have
absolutely no chemistry whatsoever, making their very bloated storyline very
painful to watch at times. (Especially the cheesy “falling in love” musical
montage. BRUTAL!) Although, the girls do get a few shirtless men and the
smoldering looks of Oliver Martinez to keep them mildly entertained, the men
unfortunately get jipped in this department and get no glimpses of T&A. (Gotta
love that PG-13 rating, eh?)

You know a movie is bad,
when your friends leave you in the theatre to go watch The Hitcher
remake. I couldn’t even blame my friends for leaving because this movie
makes An American Werewolf in Paris look like An American Werewolf
in London. Seriously, if you gave these wolves some hurdles and batons,
you’d have a film about relay racing wolves, because all they f*cking did
was jump and run for the entire film.

Like my ex boyfriend, Blood and
Chocolate is a lame, cheap, and a forgettable poseur that was a complete
and utter waste of my time. If you want to go see a decent werewolf film,
go to your local video store and rent The Howling instead.

RATING 1 on 4

Source: AITH