Last Updated on July 27, 2021
TANGO & CASH (1989)
Tagline: Two of L.A.’s top rival cops are going to have to work together… Even if it kills them.
Directed by: Andrei Konchalovsky
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Kurt Russell, Teri Hatcher, Jack Palance
THE PLAN:
Hero buddy-cops Ray Tango and Gabe Cash are set-up by Curly from City Slickers, sent to a hellish prison where all sorts of torture – including receiving really bad cellmates – ensues. The two have to clear their names the only way they know how: with bullets and sarcasm!
THE KILL:
An action/comedy hybrid such as TANGO & CASH wasn’t really seen in the 80s too much. Flicks were still strumming along on the COMMANDO, MISSING IN ACTION, DIE HARD tip – and star Sylvester Stallone’s persona was firmly entrenched in the grim, take-no-BS mode that he’s still lampooned for. But here comes TANGO & CASH, which would play almost like a screwball comedy from the 40s if it wasn’t for its tendency to punch, shoot, stab, and bomb everything in sight every 2 minutes or so…
Stallone’s Ray Tango and Kurt Russell’s Gabriel Cash are two of the top headline-grabbing cops from the same city, and although at first they seem worlds apart – Tango dresses like an accountant and wears smart-looking glasses; Cash dresses in whatever he can grab off the floor and has a wild, Marin Riggs-esque mane of hair – they both share a similar love for sarcasm, as well as for quips, smart-ass remarks, bad jokes, and double entedres. Seriously, these guys have trucks bearing down on them, are electrocuted, beaten by a prison gang, shot at about 182,093 times – and they never loose the need to toss off a witty observation or pun. This movie takes the “one-liner” to ridiculous extremes – where almost EVERY line is a one-liner.
Anyhow, Tango and Cash share a good-natured rivalry across town (although strangely it seems that until ten minutes into the movie they’ve never met before), but are brought together in peril when crime boss Perret (Jack Palance, doing his best impersonation of himself) frames the two for murder and they’re shipped off to a prison that makes Alcatraz look like Sesame Street. Shit, this place makes Thunderdome look like Sesame Street… But do the boys fret? Not if you consider joking around in the shower fretting. (This scene MUST be making fun of movie homoeroticism… if not, good lord, it makes THE BIRDCAGE look like THE DIRTY DOZEN.)
“Get your hand offa my ass.” “You get YOUR hand offa MY ass!”
Of course even this hellhole can’t hold the laughing boys, so they escape, make contact with Tango’s hot sister Teri Hatcher (whom of course Cash instantly likes, and thus a jealous Tango is caught in a Freudian web) and proceed to reap vengeance upon Perret and his international band of goons.
This all goes down with a light touch, however. In fact it wears its immaturity like a badge of honor. Russell is effortlessly amusing, fully in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA mode, while Stallone is surprisingly engaging. As essentially the straight-man, he’s not uncomfortable or stiff; and even if he’s not quite a match for Russell’s rapid-fire goofiness, he holds his own. The movie’s other major co-stars – fire and guns – insert themselves into every scene and overact like maniacs. Someone can these hams!
“What’s say we take this 2×4 and beat each other mercilessly with it?”
TOP DEATH:
A grenade shoved down the pants of a bad guy gets the job done in ball-destroying
fashion…
TOP ACTION:
Tango and Cash storm Perret’s compound in a souped-up, bulletproof (or is that Death Proof?) “RV from Hell,” truly a fantastic sequence, where “fire” really gets a chance to shine!
TOP HOMOEROTIC MOMENT:
Let’s face it, this is less an action movie than a love story between these two hopeless romantics. The shower scene mentioned above shows the two glancing down at each other’s packages and smiling. ‘Nuff said. (Oh wait, Kurt also gets a chance to dress in drag at one point…
FEMALE EXPLOITATION:
Teri Hatcher is hot! No, we don’t see the goods, but she’s just adorable, and dresses in all the ways a young sis shouldn’t… And she does a helluva weird strip tease.
This one’s too easy: Tango: Rambo… is a pussy.
Drink every time you think the two cops are exchanging looks of man-love. You’ll be woozier than Robert Downey Jr.!
TRIVIA:
Patrick “Crazy” Swayze was originally cast as Cash, but dropped out to do ROADHOUSE.
Director Andrei Konchalovsky was replaced with two weeks left to go by Albert Magnoli – the dude who directed Purple Rain! At least Prince doesn’t show up as an evil henchman.
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