Last Updated on July 27, 2021
This week’s list idea comes courtesy of Eric “Walker – Texas Ranger” Walkuski. When he first queried about doing a list on the true bungholes of horror I was a little hesitant. Mostly because I was gonna have to put myself at least in the top 5. I mean hell, the list of genre luminaries I owe an apology to is as distinguished as it is depressing.
But no, he told me, a list of characters in horror movies that make you want to grab a shovel and smack ’em in the teeth is what he had in mind. Not the main villains, but the other guys. Whew! Safe for now.
So the braintrust got together and came up with a ton of nominees, and now it’s my chance to f*ck up all those great ideas and truly keep my place as a dillwad totally secure. Enjoy the list, and if you don’t see your favorite a-hole listed then spit those bullets below!
Did the ironically named Harry create the stereotype of a bitter, balding, middle aged man? Of course not, but he sure ran with it. His seething rage, close to meltdown stress response, and general c*ckishness are infuriating. Plus his ultimate attempt to do Ben in is almost Shakespearian in its betrayal. It must be said, though, Harry was right about the cellar. And maybe Ben doesn’t get his nasty early morning wake up call if some white folk crawl out with him come day break.
Surprised to see a chick on the list? Don’t be. Guys may be the most common proponents of azzholery, but Mrs. Carmody and her Armageddon driven group of enema backwash are a true smear on people who don’t suck the world over. I don’t care what iteration of god you worship, or don’t, but stay out of my f*cking face with it. I can think of fewer experiences I’d enjoy less then being trapped in a small store with a religious prostheletyzer of any stripe. Especially this one. Although I have to admit I’ve had a weird fetish for Marcia Gay Harden ever since she hugged me that one time in NY – long story.
The template for all clueless men of semi-power, this total douche has made me want to put my first through the TV more times than any other character I can think of. He gets someone to say it could have been a boating accident. He doesn’t want the little Kintner boy spilled all over the dock. He thinks Matt Hooper just wants to get in the National Geographic. And all he cares about in the end is that nobody blames him for ignoring signs so obvious that Stevie Wonder could have read them. Sadly I’ve worked for a few people who trump Mayor Vaughn for pure shortsighted idiocy. I hate this world sometimes.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Just the name Chilton makes my skin crawl. I’ve seriously never been so happy to find out someone was about to get eaten outside of lesbian porn. This guy suffers from what my sister refers to as “Big dick, little penis” syndrome. No doubt if we got into Chilton’s backstory we’d find out that he had an absent, or abusive father and his mother was a domineering shrew. You know what, I’d rather that he became a lifelong criminal instead of this disgusting waste of space.
Most of the folks on this list will drive you crazy, but you’re not that surprised that they’re azzholes because they just have that vibe. One look and you think, “Now that’s an azzhole.” But Carter Burke sneaks up on you. He looks just like Paul Reiser for goodness sake. But it becomes clear that charming goofiness aside, he’s a company man through and through, who is willing to sacrifice an entire crew of marines, Ripley, and a little girl to make sure that the company gets what they want. He’d have done great in Washington, so you know he’s a total…yeah.
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