Last Updated on July 27, 2021
I think Catherine Hardwicke is a great director with a really interesting porno last name, so congrats to her for the overwhelming success she had last weekend. And that’s the only positive f*cking thing I’m going to give out for the twinky tweener Twilight fans who have now cursed the rest of us with a guarantee that the next three years will see this kind of pseudo-horror, romance-lite, goth-y bullshite get greenlit like overtalky crime dramas in the 90’s.
Whew! Had to get that out.
Now let’s take a look at some of the best vampire flicks that Hollywood has graced our eyeballs with, so that you can maybe use the T-word for good and use someone’s freshly born interest in our beloved genre to introduce them to some seriously great blood sucking.
Whether you love the picks, or they make you want to say “Bite me!”, spit ‘dem bullets below!
I generally try to avoid featuring soft core horror in these lists, because while I certainly enjoy that sub-genre, it is a very different animal than “true” horror. However, this little gem is a surprisingly well shot story that just happens to feature tons of lesbian bloodlust. And that bloodlust is what lifts this puppy above the fray. When the lead duo eat, they f*cking eat! It’s raw, sexual, and animalistic in the best possible way.
I was surprised to find that I really liked this movie. At the risk of sending those who hated my take on Bret Easton Ellis into apoplexy, I have to admit that Anne Rice’s writing has never really done it for me. But homoerotic subtext and period costumes be damned, this is a helluva fine look at the cost of longing drawn out over centuries. I didn’t even mind Tom Cruise with poofy blonde hair.
George Romero is the man for so many reasons, but his underappreciated reinvention of the vampire movie is a big reason why. There isn’t much that’s sexy or amazing about this fairly realistic look at just how vampirism might play out in the real world. But as a fresh take on what had come before? Genius!
A lot of people get mad at the epic romantic grandeur of this pic, but barring the grating performance from Keanu “Whoa” Reeves, I actually dug this sucker. It had plenty of plasma and vampire stuff, but also showed a ton of heart, mixed with great casting overall. There may have been too much fluttering silk in it, but I can forgive it for that.
I love, love, love the first movie in this trilogy. Hell I named my first son Deacon. But the second entry builds on the origin story of the first, and with the outstanding direction of one Guillermo del Toro, just flat out soars. We’re given a legit look at the concept of evolution in regards to the undead, creating new baddies who are unf*cking believable. Not many sequels can live up to the promise set by the first. This is a unique case where it exceeds the original.
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