Booze Talkin #5

Last Updated on July 26, 2021

Remake IT!

I’m as much about preserving my cherished memories as the next asshole. I’ve
used the term “raped me of my childhood” more than I like to admit. As I get
greyer though, I’ve begun to lessen the pain of these useless remakes by
learning to not give a fuck. Watching a 6’7” hulked-out Michael Myers walk
around modern-day Haddonfield because Rob Zombie needed to get some work for his
wife still stings certain parts of my brain but it won’t kill me. In fact, I’ve
learned to go with the flow. Not every horror icon of the past thirty years
needs a makeover but after recently re-watching IT I’ve realized some stories
could have been done better. According to Wikipedia there is a four hour remake
on the way from the brilliant minds at the Sci-Fi Network. It’s said to be
airing in 2009 or 2010. The source for that fact had no such dates. In fact,
since this was announced in 2006, there hasn’t been a single bit of information
released.

Let‘s hope all this Sci-Fi talk is nonsense because for this
tale to be done any justice it needs to find a home on HBO with no less than six
parts. A quality director wouldn’t hurt either. Imagine, if you will, a brand
new script in the hands of Sam Raimi or Frank Darabont. A script that doesn’t
water down the true terror and evil delivered in the novel. I never really
believed a book could scare you until I picked up this giant whore. I was
fifteen years old, I should have been hiding Hustler under my mattress and
dreaming about playing in the World Series. Instead I barely slept, wondering
what that bumping noise was outside my window and crying every time I saw a
balloon. Clowns became as threatening as vampires or werewolves. By the time I
was finished I was certain that spider I saw in the kitchen last week had grown
to the size of an elephant and waited for me to come get a midnight snack.

When the 1990 mini-series came out my brain immediately
boycotted it, in fear of melting. Some of these images were literally not meant
to be seen by human eyes (especially an 11 year old girl doing a gang-bang). How
could such horror be translated to a screen? Turns out, it couldn’t. Before I
even had time to be scared I found myself asking too many questions. In no
specific order, these where some of the things rattling my brain with confusion
when I should have been hiding behind a blanket and trying not to shit myself.

• Why is everybody dying off screen with no blood?
• Is that Venus Flytrap from WKRP?
• Is the guy playing the adult Eddie the worst actor ever born?
• How does that kid burp so well?
• Was that shower scene directed by Tim Burton?
• Has every cast member from ‘Night Court’ been in a horror movie?
• Why is Henry Bower’s bed in the hallway?
• Why is Pennywise so fucking funny?

That last one really bothered me. There wasn’t anything funny about this
sadistic cunt in the book. Which brings up the one-sided debate in all the
online forums I’ve been reading about a possible remake. Should Tim Curry be
recast as Pennywise? Personally, I could care less. He did a great job with the
material that was given to him, sure. Does that make him the only actor in the
world capable of playing an evil clown? Not even close. Who should it be? It’s
not my job to figure out. I didn’t understand the Heath Ledger casting as the
Joker so I’ve quit judging.

Maybe it’s the booze talking but this is one childhood nightmare
I want to re-live. It’s time for Bob Gray to awaken once again and step up to my
challenge. I know movie adaptations are very rarely better than the book (JAWS)
but I’m up for a decent try with this story. And while I’m at it, were there not
some eggs left at the end of the novel? Get on it Mr. King.