Booze Talkin #8

Last Updated on July 26, 2021

Remake The Exorcist and Die(?)

Five years ago I would have bet my life nobody would ever try to remake HALLOWEEN. I’d be dead now and you all would be moving on to the sequel to the remake which in it’s self is not a remake of the original sequel. Sentences like that make my teeth bleed. My point is, I always believed there were a handful of horror films that were untouchable when it came to the “re-imagining” money train and, at least in one case, I’m right. Why has nobody tried to remake THE EXORCIST yet? They’re scared, that’s why.

Everything to come from the franchise after the original has failed in epic fashion. EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC is so horrible it’s been banned in all of Canada (my house, at least). THE EXORCIST III is a decent movie that gets very little respect due to it’s predecessor and a confusing cast exchange mid-movie that leaves your average filmgoer feeling confused and semi-retarded. Speaking of confusion, try watching THE EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING and DOMINION: PREQUEL TO THE EXORCIST back to back one night without punching your yourself in the face. Impossible.

Then there’s the threat of the curse. I’m not the type to believe in a lot of these cinematic urban legends but there’s something about this one that rubs me the wrong way. Both Linda Blair and Ellen Burstyn had serious back injuries during filming of the original. Max Von Sydow’s brother died on the first day of shooting the same film. The prequel was doomed from the get-go. Director John Frankenhiemer suffered a stroke after a spinal cord injury and died before the film even started production. Two directors later (execs at Warner Brothers didn’t care for Paul Schrader’s version), Renny Harlin brought his dog on the set and it began to hemorrhage and actually died before being brought back with a series of blood transfusions at the vet (Zombie Dog!!). There were set fires, accidents, and overall spooky delays on all three films. Then there’s Linda Blair’s career.

Maybe it’s the booze talking but I’m pretty sure if anybody ever wakes up Pazuzu for another party inside a little girl, somebody is going to die and the movie will suck all sorts of skank-ass. With all the CGI headspinning and green-screen vomit battles, don’t be surprised when it’s filmed in 3-D. They can call it THE REMAKE OF THE VERSION YOU’VE NEVER SEEN THAT YOU’VE NEVER SEEN IN 3-D. Then your dog dies.