Booze Talkin #9

Last Updated on July 26, 2021

Give Me a Great Horror TV Show!

Television has never been better. Whether you’re a science fiction fan, a
drama junkie, or a comedy connoisseur, there seems to be something you can latch
on to every week that satisfies you in a way movies rarely do anymore. So what
about guys and gals like us? What channel do we toss on when we feel like seeing
someone decapitated with a lawnmower and fed to a hungry pack of undead homeless
people? Why is it so hard to put out a decent horror television show? Something
to scare the living shit out of me for a measly hour out of the week. Characters
I care about, a twisted plot, some blood, some guts, and some really disturbed
bad-guys that can hold their own throughout an entire season or two. The closest
thing we have is the SAW franchise, but that only has one episode a year and
nobody cares (knows) what’s going on anymore.

The best horror shows from the past are almost always done in the anthology
format. A different story with different characters every episode. ‘The
Twilight Zone’ set the bar, ‘The Outer Limits’, ‘Night Gallery’,
and even, more recently, ‘Master of Horror’, all delivered some quality
moments throughout the years. What I want is more structure. Give me something
as gripping as ’Lost’, only with more murderous carnage and flesh
devouring monsters. Britain’s ‘Dead Set’ sucked me in hard last Halloween
and then it was gone. Are you telling me there’s no room on the small screen for
an ongoing zombie apocalypse series? I’m going to mail a new copy of The
Walking Dead to HBO’s head offices every day until I see this happen.

And I want it to be flat-out frightening. None of this ‘Supernatural’
or ‘Dark Shadows’ bullshit. I want hardcore chills that would melt
Buffy’s brain and send the ’Ghost Whisperer’ to a mental institution. The only
show in the last thirty years to even come close to these restrictions is
’The X-Files’. Great cast, a riveting ongoing storyline, and cameos from
some creepy sons-a-bitches to boot. Still, it was a network show that couldn’t
deliver the goods when the shit was ready to hit the fan. The quality of cable
networks such as HBO and Showtime (maybe even FX) are primed for something to
tear our nuts off and shove them down our throats causing nightmares that last
as long as it takes to get to the next episode.

Maybe it’s the booze talkin’ but I think ‘True Blood’ missed a golden
opportunity. A vampire show on HBO that spends at least ten minutes per episode
on brooding and sappy shit that would bore fans of TWILIGHT. I’ve seen less
atmospheric glares in silent movies. And as horrifying as shit like ’I’m a
Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!’ promises to be, it completely misses my
point. Entertain me. Enthrall me. Scare the living fuck out of me.