Ocean monsters #1

Last Updated on July 26, 2021

Since October is THE month for horror fans, I thought why not take some time away from the make believe stuff and get our hands dirty with real life monsters. And damn there are a lot of them. Sure some are fairly benign in reality, but when you get right down to it, a lot of the f*ckers you’re about to meet are far more likely to make you poop your pants than most of the remade, PG-13 crap that gets forced down our throats.

Now originally I was going to go for the best the Earth had to offer in one list, but I had more than I could handle just looking under the waves. So this week we’ll focus on seabound critters, and with the next list I’ll send you the land based nightmares.

For now, enjoy, and if you’ve had the misfortune to run into any of these aquatic badasses, or run into something equally distasteful that isn’t listed, spit bullets below!

WARNING – PLENTY OF REASONS TO STAY OUT OF THE WATER BELOW!

10. PELICAN EEL

Most of the entities on this week’s list are deep sea creatures, which is good, because nobody would ever f*cking go swimming if we were likely to run into any of these bastards. Like our friend here with the loosely hinged jaw, that is nearly 1/3 of its body. Since the damn thing grows to over 3 feet in length, that’s over a foot of chompity chompity going on. No thanks.

9. CHIMAERA

These bad boys are known informally as ghost sharks. Because y’know, ghosts and sharks aren’t terrifying enough on their own. Personally, I am of the opinion that they should be known as OMG WTF IS THAT! Strangely however, the scientific community has so far not approached me in regards to species names. Haven’t a clue as to why.

8. BLUE-RINGED OCTOPUS

Aww, how did this cute widdle guy end up on the list? Simple, he earned it. About the size of a golf ball, this eight limbed death bon bon has a venom that not only kills humans, but also has no known antidote. And did you notice how effectively the tiny death machine blends into the environment? This is one midget octo-ninja you do not want to screw with.

7. DRAGON FISH

Not only does this scary looking beast sound like a mega ass kicker, it also has the look of a Troma brainstorm put through heroin withdrawal. On top of that, since looking mean and ready to rumble doesn’t get you all that much cred in the lightless depths of the ocean, DF also has a super power. This not to be trifled with fish emanates a light on a wavelength that other fish at that depth do not register. So it has a spotlight to help with hunting and evasion that the other predators and prey aren’t even aware of. Awesomely unfair advantage.

6. COLOSSAL SQUID

I was going to avoid anything that is a fairly normal creature, but c’mon man! This isn’t a giant squid. It’s a colossal squid. Just look at that thing! I don’t really have much more to say on the matter. Clearly sometimes nature just likes to f*ck with the size doesn’t matter crowd.

STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!