Last Updated on July 26, 2021
Since October is THE month for horror fans, I thought why not take some time away from the make believe stuff and get our hands dirty with real life monsters. And damn there are a lot of them. Sure some are fairly benign in reality, but when you get right down to it, a lot of the f*ckers you’re about to meet are far more likely to make you poop your pants than most of the remade, PG-13 crap that gets forced down our throats.
Now originally I was going to go for the best the Earth had to offer in one list, but I had more than I could handle just looking under the waves. So this week we’ll focus on seabound critters, and with the next list I’ll send you the land based nightmares.
For now, enjoy, and if you’ve had the misfortune to run into any of these aquatic badasses, or run into something equally distasteful that isn’t listed, spit bullets below!
Hardly anything is known about these jelly skinned buggers outside of the fact that they are waaaaay too long for a fish, and they lack an anal fin (which I have no idea whether that qualifies as good or bad for fish). But anything this large, that looks like an oceanic tapeworm and is shrouded in mystery gets a first class pass into my nightmares.
How sweet. They’re called stargazers because both eyes are on the top of their head so they’re always looking skyward. Of course so is their mouth to help them snag prey which they ambush from below after burying themselves in sand. And they’ve got venomous stingers. And they give off electric shocks. Plus word on the street is they’ll make fun of your mamma while they destroy your ass. Just straight up meanies.
Seriously? I mean, seriously? WTF nature? Did you anticipate the whole destruction of the ozone thing and start populating our watery depths with all manner of insanity to greet us when we have to leave our scorched earth behind for your cool blue waters? ‘Cause if so, well done. I may never even step foot in a puddle again after looking at this affront to non-hideous things the world over.
Sure these are relatively small fish and aren’t considered harmful to humans, but just look at this ugly bastard, and then remember that, “In adults, the largest two fangs of the lower jaw are so long that the fangtooths have evolved a pair of opposing sockets on either side of the brain to accommodate the teeth when the mouth is closed.” Yeah.
There are so many things to hate about this sunuvabitch. Their bone structure is light and flexible so that they can consume prey twice their size. Their teeth are angled inward so that they don’t get in the way of eating, but prevent prey from escaping. And let’s not forget the fleshy growth from their head that makes them a living member of the Cronenberg catalog. That said, the way they mate is even more disturbing, as the male fuses with the female and slowly degenerates into nothing but a pair of sperm producing lumps stuck to her skin. Have fun with that one ladies.
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