Last Updated on July 26, 2021
When last we spoke we were going over some of the rampant nasties that our planet’s ocean depths can serve up for our nightmares. But there’s plenty of sick f*ckery going on above the waves too. So this week we’ll give some real life land monsters their due.
The really sick thing is that you’re far more likely to run into some of these bad boys then any of the ball shrivelers from last week. In fact, have fun the next time you go camping, or into your basement.
And just like with the last list I’m avoiding the more obvious suspects. Sure lions, bears and big cats are all dangerous, but monstrous? Scary? Not really. We’ll stick with suckers that have at least an outside chance of staring in a SciFi Channel original movie. Don’t forget to spit bullets if you’ve got something worse to sling our way.
Well anything bad ass enough to get Peter Jackson to name a company after almost automatically gains entry on the list. Especially when native New Zealanders call it the God Of Ugly Things. There’s also the fact that this family of insects are some or the largest (up to 8″), and heaviest (one specimen weighed more than a sparrow) in the world. Their bite, while not particularly common, is very painful, and comes accompanied with all manner of spikes on their legs that they will use to scratch out your eyes.
Spiders are just eight legged minions of Satan as far as I’m concerned. I’ve always hated the damn things, and this motherf*cker is the scariest looking damn spider I’ve ever seen. Sure there are ones that are more venomous like Black Widows and Brown Recluses, but the bite danger doesn’t matter because most people would have a heart attack and drop on the spot at the mere sight of this hairy, beady-eyed monstrosity.
Just like you’d imagine from the name, these mean bastards feed on blood. Cattle blood, goat blood, bird blood, and oh yeah, human blood. They have thermoreceptors in their nose so that they can sense where their prey’s blood is closest to the skin, and a component in their saliva called (I’m not making this up) Draculin. It’s an anti-coagulant that stops your blood from clotting and screwing up their chow time on your neck. And they like to feed on snoozing animals. Sleep tight.
How could a centipede be higher on the list than a blood-eating, nightmare with wings? Because this particular version grows to over a foot long, is toxic to humans, and eats bats. They climb up cave walls, drop down from the ceiling and will catch a bat in midair, poison it, and eat it. Just try to go spelunking with that image in mind.
Aww, what a cute and cuddly looking….ahh, get it off, GET IT OFF!! Seriously, these seemingly benign, dog sized critters are some of the most vicious fighters in the animal kingdom. They regularly attack or chase off much larger animals, even when out-numbered. They’re like a furry Tony Jaa. In fact, one account has a wolverine taking on a black bear. It lost, but still, how you think you’re going to come out of a match up with one of these? I’m guessing the main reason they aren’t bigger is because nature recognizes that they’d eat the world.
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