IT’S THE BOOZE TALKIN: Stop remaking Hitchcock!

Last Updated on July 26, 2021

Stop Remaking Hitchcock

This isn’t about me trying to be some uptight film snob who feels he has the right to protect the classics. I’m just letting you know that the day you decide to remake a Hitchcock film is the day you pack your bags and make the move to Failsville. As interested as I might be to see Martin Scorsese’s vision of VERTIGO or David Fincher’s version of NORTH BY NORTHWEST, it will never happen because they’re too smart. Many consider Hitchcock to be an alternate version of Shakespeare thus making his films fit to be repackaged and retold over and over. There are two reasons I don’t think this works in today’s market, and they actually go hand-in-hand – genre and TWILIGHT. Let me explain.

There’s no real swaying away from the thriller genre when trying to update a Hitchcock film. If remaking DIAL M FOR MURDER as a comedy or ROPE as a musical sounds fucking ridiculous, it’s probably  because that would be, in fact, fucking ridiculous. That said, to try and capture Hitchcock’s tone and relate it to a modern audience while still making money is going to be somewhat tricky (and the faithful fans will still probably tear you a new one). And that is because of the TWILIGHT generation (to be fair though, these types of movies existed well before TWILIGHT. I just like to blame them for shit). These copy and paste, cliche filled, teenage soap operas they’re trying pass off as mystery / thriller / horror movies can really start to get under your skin after a while. Not in a good way.

Gus Van Sant seemed to adhere to both rules above, didn’t change a thing with his PSYCHO remake and provided one of the most useless films of the past twenty years. This is a no win situation, people.

The most recent talk of re-visiting Hitch is that of THE BIRDS, which at one point featured names attached such as Naomi Watts and George Clooney to star and Martin Campbell (EDGE OF DARKNESS) to direct. Campbell left for THE GREEN LANTERN, Clooney rumors have faded, and Watts is up in the air. While trying to keep the idea fresh in the minds of potential movie-goers, Platinum Dunes promised more blood and more boobs in their version. I wonder if one thing led to the others. Do we really want / need to see CGI birds causing havoc during a topless end-of-exams pool party? Maybe.

You can always take the oblivious route. Remake a Hitchcock film while not acknowledging you’re doing anything wrong until it gets pointed out to you. See DISTURBIA (REAR WINDOW) if you don’t know what I’m talking about. It seems to be the safest route and one that’s been delivered before with A PERFECT MURDER (DIAL M FOR MURDER). This way you can label it a “re-imagining” for purists while the youth of today will just think it’s totally original and cool without knowing any better.

Maybe it’s the booze talking but Alfred Hitchcock can’t be touched when it comes to suspense. Why even try? Make your own murder mystery. Create your own shower scene. Catch your own Thief. Chances are you’re going to rip him off anyways.